


I Didn't Mean You, But Thanks.

by jessingaround



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Sirius Black, Hazing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Marauders' Era, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Partners, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Remus Lupin, Past Child Abuse, Promiscuity, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Unsafe Sex, queer, undiagnosed mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-03-16 13:00:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13636794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessingaround/pseuds/jessingaround
Summary: Sirius and James have transferred to a new school where Sirius is on the football team. Parties, panic attacks, and eventually pajama parties ensue.





	1. Party #1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the associated characters. Obviously.
> 
> An important note:  
> -Those who identify as gender-fluid do it on their own terms. Individuals pick their own pronouns and how they want other people to utilize those pronouns. The way that I am writing Sirius is NOT gospel. Sirius is only portraying one way someone who is gender-fluid can present and live. I'm personally writing Sirius as close to a demi-boy (though still self-identifying as gender-fluid). Let's say it again for the people in the back: Sirius is a character that I'm writing to show ONE of INFINITE variations. Don't hate on me for not "perfectly" portraying gender-fluidity, because remember: it's FLUID.
> 
> That being said, if I get something blatantly wrong, respectfully inform me in the comments. I am definitely LGBTQ and I've done a lot of research on terms/pronouns/gender/sexuality/etc. However, no one is perfect.
> 
> Also, if you identify as gender-fluid, gender-flux, non-binary, demi-boy/girl, fluid-flux, or anything else and you want to tell me about how you present and live your life please feel free. I love learning about others and the way they live and identify.
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading!

Sirius was excited to be on the football team. Unfortunately, what he wasn’t expecting was for the returning players to initiate the newbies. He thought it was just going to be a party. The entire team had been invited to a house shared by some of the seniors on the team. There was an abundance of alcohol, loud music, and at some point someone ordered pizza. The captain, Frank, blew a whistle and summoned the new players to the living room. Most everyone else in attendance joined as well, but some of them stayed where they were, drinking and talking. James was one such person and Sirius assumed he was still in the kitchen talking with the pretty redhead he had seen him with earlier.

Sirius was laughing with Gideon about the ball to the face Fabian, Gid’s twin, had taken that morning at practice when Frank cleared his throat. 

“Alright, boys. It’s time for initiation.” A group of older players chuckled and one handed Frank a black plastic box. “Sirius, I think you should be first. Come here.”

Sirius approached Frank slowly, not sure what to expect. When the box was opened, however, he could feel his heart rate increase and his breath become labored.

“Time to shave that long hair of yours.” Sirius let his fingers thread through his shoulder length locks. He loved his hair, but it was more than that. This had happened before. 

“Red,” Sirius wheezed out between harsh breaths. When Frank didn’t stop he said it again, louder this time. He wanted to scream it, but as Frank plugged in the clippers and someone began combing through his hair he started spiraling into his panic.

He wanted to fight them off, but he knew that it would be useless. He wasn’t strong enough and they had already shown that they weren’t going to listen to him or give a damn about consent.

The next thing he knew, James was pushing Frank away and clasping his face between his hands. “Sirius, love, breathe. I’m not going to let them touch you. You’re safe.” In the background he could hear a woman’s voice yelling, but he couldn’t focus on her words long enough to catch what she was saying. Instead, he was trying to concentrate on hearing and believing what James was saying and calming himself down. His hands went to his hair and he began carefully running his fingers through it, attempting to determine whether or not any of it had been shaved. James wrapped his strong hands around Sirius’.

“They didn’t cut any of it.”

Sirius nodded and leaned forward pressing his face into James’ chest. A sob escaped, and he realized that tears were falling down his cheeks. “Take me home.”

“Of course. Let’s go sit on the porch and wait for our Uber.” James pulled Sirius to standing and lead him to the front door. They sat silently, Sirius’ head resting on James’ shoulder. A few minutes passed and they heard the door creak open.

The redhead walked around and kneeled in front of them. “Hi Sirius, I’m Lily. I’ve heard a lot about you from James here. Are you feeling any better?”

Sirius nodded, but didn’t speak or make eye contact. He hated these moments, when people wanted to talk about what had happened when he himself didn’t really know. He hadn’t had a panic attack or dissociated for a few months. Him and James and his therapist, Sussanne, coming up with an action plan and coping techniques had helped immensely. He had been warned that being in a new setting and around people who didn’t know his triggers would be an adjustment and to expect some regression, but he hadn’t expected such a bad attack and so soon. He’d only been on the team a week.

Lily observed him silently for a minute then spoke again. “I’m sure you’re confused and don’t really want to talk, especially to someone you don’t really know, but when you’re ready, if you want, you can talk to me. James has my cell number.” She gave a small smile and went to pat his knee, then thought better of it.

She squeezed James’ shoulder on her way back inside, but before she opened the door Sirius called her name.

“Yes?”

“I… how did you two know to come?”

“You called out my nickname,” Lily said at the same time James spoke, “Safe word.”

“Really?” James turned a questioning look to Lily.

“Yeah.” She gestured to her hair. “Not very creative, but some guy called me it my first semester and it just sort of stuck.”

Sirius hummed in acknowledgment. “Well, thanks. For stopping them and the yelling. I’m not sure what you said, but I heard someone telling them off and I assume it was you.”

Lily nodded. “No need to thank me. They deserved far worse. I can’t believe they didn’t even notice. I mean-” She cut herself off, taking a few deep and calming breaths. “Sorry, you don’t need to deal with my righteous anger right now. My roommate has pretty bad anxiety and it really upsets me when people don’t realize how their actions affect people.”

Sirius smiled, pleased that he had found someone in this new town that understood mental illness so soon. His therapist, who he unfortunately left back home, had stressed the importance of a support system.

“Does she see a therapist?” James asked, then looked ashamed. “I only ask because Sirius’ is back home and is looking for a new one.”

Lily bit at her bottom lip. “Well,  _ he  _ does. I can ask him if he can send you some of the names of some of the people he’s seen before and liked, or heard good things about.”

James’ mouth opened slightly when he heard her use of pronouns for her roommate, then quickly shut it. “Yeah, that would, that would be great.”

Sirius nodded. “How long have you known him? I normally like to vet my own therapists. I can be… difficult.” 

“Understatement,” James muttered.

“I’ve known Remus since we were 10. His family moved when we were in the fifth grade. So-” She paused for a moment, seemingly counted in her head, “-8 years. I get that though. He’s been through a ton of therapists.” Red flooded her cheeks. “Fuck, I probably shouldn’t be telling you all this. ‘My story is mine to tell’ and all that.” She waved her hand vaguely. “I’ll talk to him and see if you two, or three, or the four of us could sit down and chat about it, if you want.”

James nodded while Sirius said, “That would be good, yeah.”

“Cool. I’ll text you and let you know, James.”

“Thanks.”

Just then, a black sedan pulled up and honked. James nodded towards it. “That’s our ride.”

Lily smiled and looked to at the two of them. “It was nice meeting the two of you. We’ll talk soon, yeah?”

“Yeah,” James said, “goodnight, Lily.”

“Goodnight.”

As James and Sirius slid into the car Sirius jabbed James in the side and said, “Stop drooling.”


	2. The Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was later than I said it would be. :l I'll try to be better. 
> 
> In this chapter I mention a one hour rule. This is real and I use it. If you want to check it out, here's a link:  
> https://themighty.com/2017/05/one-hour-rule-mental-illness-getting-out-of-bed/
> 
> Of course, I'm not a professional. This isn't medical advice, just informed fiction.

The next day James got a text from Lily saying that Remus, her roommate, would absolutely sit down with Sirius, or Sirius and James (depending on what Sirius was comfortable with), and discuss therapists in the area.

James responded:

_ Thanks so much. Can the two of you come over this weekend? We can play the conversation by ear. _

Lily responded in the affirmative and James began planning for their guests. He deep cleaned their entire flat, changed the sheets on their guest bed, and stocked the fridge.

Sirius attempted to maintain his normal routine, while panicking about newcomers and potential therapists. He wasn’t good with change. James thankfully understood this, so he gave his brother space, but didn’t let him spiral in his panic. James forced him to eat dinner in the dining room, and come to the living room for family video-chats with mum and dad. Euphemia and Fleamont - mum and dad - seemed to be gentler with Sirius, so he assumed that James had filled them in on the situation.

Sirius was happy about the opportunity to engage with new people, but he was also nervous. He hadn’t met many people who could simultaneously understand his sexuality and gender and acknowledge his childhood trauma and mental illness.

He had triggers - a lot of them - and baggage. He really didn’t think that anyone would choose to be close to him after they got to know him.

Regardless of his increasing anxiety, Sirius pulled himself together on the Saturday they were meeting with Lily and Remus. His daily phone alarm woke him at 7am and though he didn’t want to get up, he stuck to the one hour rule that Sussanne had introduced him to. It was 7:55, his feet were on the cool hardwood in his bedroom, and he was preparing himself to stand and haul himself into the shower when James gently knocked on his door and walked in. When he saw that Sirius was already sitting up in bed a grin spread across his features as he stepped directly in front of his brother.

“Proud of you, Pads. I know today may be rough for you, but I’m here the whole time, yeah?”

“Thank, Prongs.” Sirius let his head fall forward and rest on James’ stomach. James rubbed circles into his back for a few minutes, then pulled away.

“Okay, love. Time to move. You’re up, but you know you need to be moving.” He grabbed Sirius’ hand and pulled him up then shoved him in the direction of the bathroom. “Into the shower. Might as well, yeah?”

Sirius scoffed but closed the bathroom door and stripped off the boxers and cami he had slept in then stepped into the spray of hot water.

When Sirius finished, they were unsure of what to wear. On one hand, it was a they/them day and they felt drawn to being a bit more on the femme side. On the other, they didn’t know how Lily and Remus would react to that kind of presentation of identity and they wished it could have just been a he/him day. After staring at their clothes for nearly half an hour, James knocked and reentered their room.

James’ eyes widened. “Why aren’t you dressed yet? They should be here soon, Pads.”

Though Sirius tried to hold it in, a whimper escaped.

James moved swiftly, wrapping his arms around Sirius, regardless of their state of undress. James had seen far more of Sirius than the towel tied around their waist exposed. “What is it?”

Sirius waved their hand in the direction of the wardrobe, hoping James would catch on. James stepped back for a moment, looking closely at the way Sirius was holding their body, then stepped back to hold them.

“It’s a they/them day?”

Sirius nodded.

“And?” James waited for a beat then realized. “Ah, you don’t want it to be. I really don’t think you need to be afraid of what they’ll think, love. This place seems pretty open-minded. And, if they say anything shitty I’ll kick them out and that’ll be it. Just like Sussanne always said, you control who you allow around you. The people who don’t get it, don’t want to get it, those people don’t get to have you. And that’s their loss.”

Sirius nodded. “Will you plait my hair?”

James stepped back. “Of course.” He pulled out the desk chair and motioned for Sirius to take a seat. A few minutes later James wrapped a band around the end of a perfect plait. “Alright, clothes now. You’ve had plenty of time. If you don’t decide, I will.”

Sirius stood and pulled out a teal t-shirt with the words ‘they/them’ screen printed on the front and a pair of skinny jeans. They dropped the towel, pulling on underwear and the outfit, then turned to rummage through a box on their nightstand. “Best to get it over with in the beginning, I suppose.” They held up a tube of lipstick that was also teal, but a few shades lighter than the shirt triumphantly and applied it with practiced ease. When they turned to face James again, he was smiling.

“Lovely as always. You know that’s one of my favorite shirts you own.” Sirius nodded, and allowed James to pull them in for another hug. The doorbell rang and Sirius went to pull away but James held tighter. “They can wait a minute.” Sirius relaxed into James’ arms, knowing that no matter how the meeting went, James would always be on his side.

James pulled away and placed a kiss on Sirius’ temple, then walked towards the front door.

Sirius stood there for a moment, breathing in deep and calming breaths. When they walked out to great Lily and meet Remus, James had pulled Lily in for a hug and the boy Sirius assumed was Remus was looking on fondly.

Lily looked up to see Sirius and smiled, then frowned and shoved at James.

“Hey! What was that for?” James said.

“I’ve been using the wrong pronouns for Sirius because you didn’t see fit to tell me them!”

James opened his mouth to interject, but before he could Sirius cut him off. “I’m gender fluid, he/him, they/them, she/her are all acceptable. It doesn’t bother me too much what people use when I’m not around, as long as they are using them with respect towards my gender.”

James beamed at Sirius, proud that they had been so open with their feelings, especially after being so worried about it. He was also pleased that Lily had been so upset with the perceived omission.

Lily put her hand on James’ shoulder. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to assume. It’s just important to me, is all.”

“No, I get it. Trust me.” James chuckled.

Remus cleared his throat and when Lily looked towards him, he raised his eyebrows. “Oh, sorry. Sirius, this is Remus. Remus, Sirius.” Sirius briefly noticed that Remus was quite tall, but was used to being around giants since James was a good six inches taller than them. Their eyes were drawn to Remus’ blond curls, however.

“Nice to meet you.” Remus said as he held out his hand, smiling.

“You too.” Sirius shook his hand and returned the smile, though a bit stiffly.

“Right. Let’s move to the table so we can chat.” James motioned them all toward the eat in kitchen. “I wasn’t sure how long we’d be here, but I got snacks and made a curry yesterday that I can heat up for lunch. Also got some wine and cider, though it’s clearly too early for that.”

Sirius coughed. “You thought I was going to fall apart didn’t you?”

Remus smirked. “Sounds like someone else I know.” He looked towards Lily and she glared back.

“You know I just worry.”

“Exactly,” James said.

“We appreciate it James,” Lily started, “why not get to know each other a bit more first. At least before Remus and Sirius get into the deep stuff.”

“Great idea, Lily.” Remus looked towards James and Sirius. “Well, I’m here for uni. It’s my second year here, but I think we’re the same age. You transfered, yeah?”

Sirius and James both nodded, but James spoke up first. “Yeah, Sirius wanted to play football, and they gave him a great offer.” His pride in Sirius was nearly palpable.

“We spent last year at a smaller school in our hometown. I wouldn’t have done well away from mum and dad last year.”

“Moving away from home was hard for the two of us too.” Remus nodded in Lily’s direction. “Lily and I’ve known each other since year 10. We decided that going to the same uni would make the transition a bit more manageable.”

Sirius nodded. “I couldn’t do this without Prongs.”

I’m sure you’re not giving yourself enough credit.” Remus said. “You seem more than capable.”

Sirius just laughed. James rolled his eyes, used to Sirius and the way they responded to certain things, while Remus and Lily stared in a disbelieving shock.

Once Sirius got themself under control, they explained, “If it weren’t for James I would most certainly be dead.” James, displeased, made a noise in the back of his throat. Sirius ignored him. “I suppose it’s time to get to the deep stuff. I’m adopted. James and I went to the same school before, were best friends as soon as we met. My makers were abusive and when they realized that I wasn’t going to conform to their idea of what a ‘son’ should be, they disowned me.”

Lily spoke first. “That is terrible! Some people really shouldn’t be allowed to have children.” She scoffed.

Remus blinked. He wasn’t expecting that kind of back story, especially not on the first day he had met Sirius. “Fuck.”

Sirius pointed at Remus’ face abruptly. “I like him.”

Remus allowed himself to smile one of his more genuine smiles. He liked Sirius too, he really did.


	3. Commiseration

The rest of the morning passed uneventfully. Remus explained that he had been in therapy for years and spent the summer before his first year at uni searching for someone he liked in the area. He had brought a list of therapists in the area and marked through a few stating that he wouldn’t consider them LGBT allies. Remus continued to draw stars next to five therapists that he had liked, but in the end decided to go with another. For the sake of privacy he didn’t include his therapist on the list, which Sirius understood. Sirius decided to do a bit of researching on the five, then set up an initial meeting with a few of the ones he liked the most. If all went well he could restart his weekly sessions soon.

While Sirius and Remus talked about all of this, James and Lily reheated the curry James had made the day before. Heating it up didn’t take long, but Lily and James knew that Sirius and Remus needed to talk. They leaned against the counter, eyeing the simmering sauce while chatting.

“So,” James started, “how did you and Remus meet?”

Lily pulled herself up so she was sitting on the counter. “Well, half way through year 10 I joined GSA. He joined at the beginning of the year, but we also had a few classes together so during my first meeting I sat next to him. We kind of hit it off from then on.”

“That’s so cool!” James’ eyes widened. “I wish our school had a GSA. Would have done loads of good I’m sure.”

“Why didn’t it?”

James rolled his eyes. “Sirius and I went to a private boarding school. The school governors were a bunch of old, cishet white men who refused to acknowledge anything other than,” James paused, shifting his voice so that it was dripping with disdain and making air quotes, “traditional values.”

Lily chuckled, but as she heard loud laughter coming from Sirius and Remus she stopped, biting her lip. “That must’ve been really difficult for Sirius.”

He scoffed. “You’ve no idea. I was lucky. Mum and dad don’t believe in all that rubbish. They sent me to Hogwarts because it was a bit of a Potter family tradition and they knew I would be safely tucked away from drugs and violence and get a good education. Sirius’ makers sent them and his brother there for three reasons: it looked good, it was conservative in the extreme, and it would help them control Sirius and Regulus with minimal effort.”

Lily slid across the counter towards James, placing her hand on his upper arm and looking him in the eyes. “I’m glad they had you. You… you’re really special, James, that much is clear.” There was a beat of silence, of simply staring and being, then Lily was leaning forward and pressing her lips against James’.

Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus were getting to know eachother better. It became clear early on that Remus wasn’t going to help Sirius narrow down their search for a therapist much more because he didn’t know much about Sirius and their personality. Sirius was okay with this, stating that they were really picky and eventually disclosing that some physical features and vocal habits triggered them. They both agreed that the door for conversation about the topic was open if Sirius needed more help finding a therapist or in general. Remus told Sirius that he could ask his therapist for recommendations at the end of one of his sessions if Sirius needed him to. Sirius nearly choked on his own spit, amazed that someone they had just met would be so caring towards them.

Remus placed his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “You okay?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Sirius shook themself. “Yeah, sorry. Just, you’re really great, you know.” They smiled sadly. “I haven’t met a lot of people who would be so open to help and open to my sexuality and gender and whatnot.” Sirius gestured to his figure. “I mean… James is James, and I love him and am ever grateful to and for him. But sometimes he just doesn’t get it. He’s not queer in any sense. I mean, he’s definitely an ally, but he’s still a cishet. Plus he doesn’t get the mental illness thing. Like, he’s just never…” Sirius paused, trying to find the right words.

“You don’t get it unless you get it, and once you get it you just get it,” Remus said, with understanding. “He isn’t there. Thank fucking god. I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone. But, at the same time, it makes it difficult for you to explain what you’re going through and for him to relate. So I’m guessing he says insensitive or uninformed things from time to time.” Remus’ brow furrowed. “Which doesn’t make him a bad friend or anything, just that… I can get where you could feel misunderstood or… well, neither empathy nor sympathy really fit… it’s like James can’t  _ commiserate _ with you.”

Sirius’ brow scrunched as he considered what Remus had said, then he nodded. “Yeah… yeah, that’s pretty much exactly how I feel. I guess, it’s just that James is always so positive. And that’s such a great quality, but I just  _ can’t _ .”

Remus nodded with what he hoped seemed as affirmation. “No, no, I totally get it. Lily hasn’t ever experienced a mental illness and it’s honestly quite frustrating sometimes. She regularly mother hens me, which is so beneficial when I actually need it, but when I’m literally just having an off day or have a cold it’s annoying as fuck.”

Sirius’ mouth dropped open somewhere in the middle of Remus’ rant, but snapped shut as soon as he stopped talking. “You, you really get it.” A smile broke out across their face. “I’ve never actually met someone else who gets it.”

Just then James and Lily returned carrying steaming curry and rice. Remus noticed that Lily’s lips looked puffier than usual and Sirius noticed that James was smiling a bit too brightly for him to just be happy, but neither of them said anything.

They chatted about random things while they scarfed down the food. James Potter learned to cook from his mum and curry was one of her specialties. Once their plates were empty and the conversation had found a natural end, Remus stood.

“We should probably get going.” Lily nodded and stood as well. “This really was a great time, I’m glad I got to meet you.” He smiled. “We should exchange numbers, yeah?”

So they did, in between James and Sirius’ protests that they really didn’t need to leave. But Remus shook his head, smiling and explained that he was almost out of spoons and had to be up early the next morning for work. Sirius and James nodded, understanding and lead them to the front door.

On Lily and Remus’ way back to their flat, Remus’ phone vibrated in his back pocket and he took it out to find a text from Sirius. 

Thanks again. I really appreciate your help. Let’s hang out again soon.

Remus smiled before typing out his agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Remus referenced Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory. It's pretty commonly acknowledged (normally for chronic illness, but it works well for mental illness too) but here's a link to it in case you aren't familiar. It's pretty neat in my opinion, and I really identify with it as someone who has both a chronic illness and mental illness. :D https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
> 
> Thanks for reading, and for all the love I've been getting. xx Jess


	4. Night Out (pt1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as I've written and planned I've realized that I needed to update the tags and warnings. So check those. 
> 
> For this particular chapter there is a warning for alcohol use and allusions to an undisclosed (and currently undiagnosed/unacknowledged) mental illness. I'm not going to tag the mental illness in question for plot purposes, but if you need/want to know it comment or find me on tumblr (here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jessingaround) I'll absolutely disclose.
> 
> Thanks loves. xx

Over the next few days Sirius and Remus continued texting. Sirius learned that Remus was studying English Literature and was constantly reading something. His goal was to write YA novels that utilized the world of fantasy to explore mental health issues, so he read a lot of YA for inspiration and to understand the genre. His favorites were John Green and Ned Vizzini. He had received the President’s Scholar award, so he was often doing things for the school.

Remus had learned that Sirius was disowned during 6th form, and once school finished he began living with the Potters. Sirius explained the safe word system that he used after Remus casually mentioned needing a haircut and Sirius had responded with only the word ‘yellow’ and not responded to Remus’ question marks for an hour. Sirius explained in further detail how he used different pronouns, depending on what he was feeling that day, but always told people he was around if they weren’t using ones he was comfortable with. He continued to say that he rarely had she/her days, but did on occasion and didn’t identify as a demiboy, but gender fluid. Remus learned that Sirius almost never cooked, because James loved it and was honestly better, but he did do most of the cleaning because it calmed him, and it was something he was never allowed to do as a child.

Exactly one week from the Saturday that they met, Remus woke up to a text from Sirius.

J and L want to go to a bar tonight. U in?

Remus checked the calendar app on his phone to make sure he didn’t have anything to do the next day then responded.

**Sure. Gay or straight bar?**

Oh. gay… is that okay?

**Sirius, I’m pan. Did you think I was straight? Seriously?**

Siriusly.

**Stop.**

Fine. Only bc you’re new though.

But, yeah I guess I thought u were straight bc you never really said any different… sry…

**No.**

**No. I shouldn’t have assumed that you knew. I’ve just been out for like 5 years now and pretty much everyone I hang out with just sort of figured it out since I dated around a lot my first semester.**

**I just haven’t had to actually come out for a long time. I should have though. Especially since you were so honest. It’s my fault. Sorry.**

**So.**

**Hi. I’m Remus, he/him pronouns, pansexual, panromantic. Hella depressed and anxious.**

Woah. Calm the fuck down. Not that big a deal. But, now I knw. Nice to meet you… again.

**Right. I’m gonna shower. Text me whenever you figure out where and when we’re going.**

Sirius blinked at their phone unsure exactly how that conversation derailed so quickly. They didn’t mind that Remus hadn’t told them their sexuality. They were pleased to find out that he was pan though as Sirius was slowly becoming unable to deny the fact that they were attracted to him. Sirius decided not to worry too much about the strange turn the conversation took, however. They knew better than most that sometimes emotions or past experiences got in the way of rational thought and conversation. So Sirius shook the experience off and showered, then dressed in black leggings and a lavender tunic to go to the grocery. Once they returned, they picked up around the flat and deep cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen. As Sirius was putting away the last of the dishes, James walked through the front door.

“Ready to go out tonight?” James singsonged.

Sirius glances at the oven clock noting that it was barely 6. “James, first off I just finished cleaning the flat and want to shower again and change. Second, if we go to a bar now we’ll be wasted by 10. Fix food while I shower.” Sirius shook their head while they walked back towards their room.

After a second and much longer shower Sirius stood in front of their closet trying to decide on an outfit. On one hand, they really wanted to wear the leather skirt they found the other day, on the other they were afraid that Remus and Lily’s understanding would only stretch so far. Closing their eyes, Sirius decided to go with what they knew to be true: clothing and makeup don’t have gender. Sirius got to choose who they surrounded themselves with. Their loss. So they pulled on a pair of underwear that wouldn’t leave lines, the tight leather skirt, and a Twenty One Pilots t-shirt. They blow dried their hair and left it loose, then applied some eyeliner and red lipstick. Once they felt ready, they left their room and greeted an overly excited James in the kitchen.

“Why are you so…” Sirius waved their arm around, “electric?”

James didn’t blush, because he wasn’t one to have that type of physiological response, but he did run a hand through his hair and bite his lip. “This is the first time Lily and I have gone out together. I guess I’m just excited-” he tossed his head from side to side. “-and a bit nervous.”

Sirius clapped a hand over their mouth, then spread their fingers so that they could speak through them, “This is the first time you’ve been nervous for a date. You’re really into her, aren’t you?”

James just nodded, looking not ashamed, but definitely uncomfortable.

“Hey, no, Jamie. I, I like her, I would be concerned if you didn’t like her. I think she’s a good match for you and vice versa. But, I barely know her. More than anything, I trust you. If you think she’s going to be good for you, make you happy and all that, then go for it. Try for something real. I… I know I’m not really in a great place, but you know as well as I do that I’m so much better off than I was a year ago. I know you won’t leave me. You’ve seen me at what I hope is my darkest.I trust you to stay with me at your best.”

James’ smile of anticipation turned more subdued. “Fuck, Pads, I’d never leave you. You’re family. I’m glad you know that, but I’ll be honest it kind of hurts you even thought to say that to me. It means a lot to me that you said all that. Lily’s great and I can’t wait to get to know her more and for you to get to know her more, but I want to make sure you know that you will always maintain a place in my life and heart. Yeah?”

Sirius nodded, then wrapped their arms around James. “I know.” The two of them sat there, wrapped up in each other and their love until Sirius cleared their throat and spoke, “So, what’s for dinner?”

James laughed, “Cooked chicken, red cabbage, and kale in the skillet and quinoa.” James pulled away from Sirius’ loosening arms and began to fill two plates. The two of them sat down and ate in companionable silence, scrolling through miscellaneous apps on their phones, reading things out loud periodically. Once they had both finished and cleared their plates, James retreated to his bedroom to quickly shower and change while Sirius washed their dishes and touched up their lipstick.

A quarter of an hour later James bounced out of his bedroom wearing what Sirius liked to call his ‘good ass’ jeans and a light blue button up that fit him in all the right places, sleeves rolled up, stating that Lily and Remus were on their way. Sirius smiled, pleased to watch their brother so happy, and excited themself  to see Remus. Ten minutes later Lily and Remus knocked on the door two their flat. James greeted them, far too excited to be _just_ going out for drinks, but definitely ready to hype up the party.

Lily was dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans and a silky black top with thin criss-cross straps, while Remus was wearing black skinny jeans, a purple v-neck and a grey cardigan. Sirius couldn’t help but think that even though they weren’t dressed scantily, they were dressed sexily.

Sirius greeted each of them in turn and nodded to James as he asked the man to start a request for a ride with Lyft. While James resorted his account and requested a ride to a popular gay bar that Lily had named, Sirius prepared starter shots and mixed drinks. As soon as James submitted everything and announced that their ride would be there in approximately 8 minutes the group clinked shot glasses and downed the double shots of vodka. Lily immediately gestured for her mixed drink while cringing, Remus rolled his eyes at what he lovingly referred to as his ‘light-weight bestie’ and Sirius and James just snickered.

The four of them drank their first drinks quickly, all ready to feel the buzz and knowing that they were on a time limit. Everyone had finished their mixed drinks by the time the driver was a minute away, some faster than others, so the group began to walk down to the building’s lobby.

Once the driver arrived, the four of them piled into the car, politely greeting their driver, and sat in silence, staring at their phones for the twenty minute ride to the bar. Sirius and James texted each other about the awkward mustache their driver had while Lily and Remus sent ‘love eyes’ gifs paired with a statement about either James or Sirius back and forth.

Once they finally arrived, everyone was feeling loose and ready to get looser.

Thankfully the bar they chose didn’t have a cover or a line, so the group walked right in, though showing their IDs at the entrance. As soon as they found a place to settle James turned on Lily and Remus, “What are you drinking?”

Both of them sputtered, but once Sirius elbowed Remus he spoke up, “Uh, Gin Martini.”

Lily glanced at Remus, but quickly looked back to James and answered, “Vodka Cranberry.”

James nodded then moved towards the bar. When he returned he carried with him the drinks Lily and Remus had requested as well as a Vodka Tonic for Sirius and an Old Fashion for himself.

James took a sip after he distributed all the drinks then tapped Sirius on the cheek, “Love, they pour heavy from what I could see.”

Sirius nodded, took a small sip, then looked up, eyes wide, “Shit, you weren’t exaggerating.”

Lily’s eyes darted from James to Sirius. “Uh, is that… is that a problem? I, we tend to come here because… well, queer spaces are great places and they pour heavy so it ends up being cheaper in the long run, yeah?”

James and Sirius both nodded in understanding but Sirius spoke first. “I’m a shitty drunk. I’m fine when I’m tipsy, and if I pace myself, which I’m normally boss at when I’m pouring myself, I stay pretty happy and fun, but if I go too far too fast I get pretty sad. On occasion mad. It’s, well, it’s not normally good. But, well, straight liquor has never really been a thing that I couldn’t handle so mixed drinks never really taste like anything. Long story short, it’s easier for me, and better for everyone, if James acts kinda like an alert dog.” Sirius turned towards James, “Fuck, that’s so what you’re like.” They flung themselves at James, wrapping him in a hug. “I love you.”

James hugged back but said to Lily and Remus, “They’re in the emotional stage. Give them a few more sips and they’ll be real fun.” Then he winked.


	5. Part 2

True to James’ word, once they finished their drinks, Sirius got a little wild. The group had been chatting about their weeks and discussing the classes that they were scheduled to start soon. Lily went to the bar to get the next round, pulling James along to carry the drinks, while Remus asked Sirius how the search for a therapist was going.

Sirius nodded vigorously. “Grand! I’ve set up two appointments to meet with them and see how I like their personalities. Hopefully I like one of them enough to start weekly sessions.”

Remus’ lips pulled into a smile. “Glad to hear it. Hopefully it gets worked out soon.” Remus finished his drink and set his glass on the table. Sirius smiled, throwing back the rest of his own drink and grabbing Remus’ wrist.

“Let’s dance.”

Remus let himself grin and be dragged along behind Sirius. Sirius pulled out their phone on the way and sent a quick message to James so he would know where they were and could tell Lily. When they made it to the dancefloor, the music was loud and they could feel it in their chests. They squeezed past the groups of two or three, the occasional fiveish, to get to the larger group right in front of the DJ booth. Sirius immediately dropped Remus’ wrist, turned around, and rested their arms on his shoulders, letting their fingers intertwine behind his head. Remus stepped a bit closer and let his hands rest on Sirius’ hips. Both of them had been bouncing with the beat before they arranged themselves into the more intimate dancing position, but once they each realized that they were both comfortable with how things had progressed they began to actually dance. Remus was only a little surprised when Sirius turned out to be distinguished in what Lily affectionately called ‘clothed sex dancing’, but Sirius cannot say the same. They were shocked and amazed when Remus matched Sirius move for move, and brought some interesting teasing to the table. When Remus curled his finger into the neck of Sirius’ shirt and pulled on it while biting his lip, Sirius would swear they could feel themself melting at the edges.

Sirius started to lean in, allowing Remus’ pull to draw them in. Remus wasn’t sure what Sirius was intending, but he wasn’t going to back down. He knew that Sirius wouldn’t take it any farther than they were willing. Before Remus could get his answer, however, James was next to them, telling them that their drinks were at the table and they had to retrieve them themselves. Sirius rolled their eyes, but removed their arms from Remus.

The three of them made their way back to the table. Lily was waiting, sipping her Vodka Cranberry. Remus swiped a napkin across his sweaty forehead, then ruffled his curls with his hand.

Sirius quirked their brow. “Why don’t you take your cardigan off? I know it’s your aesthetic and all that, but surely you’ll be cooler.”

Remus froze, opening and closing his mouth, unsure how exactly to explain.

Lily, not skipping a beat, said, “Remus doesn’t wear short sleeves in public, Sirius.”

James gave a chuckle, “Why not, mate? Get a shitty tattoo when you were younger?”

Sirius took in Remus’ stiff posture and the look of fear in his eyes. “Uh, James, shut up.”

James looked around confused, but did as he was told. Remus downed his Martini, then walked to the bar, buying a round of vodka shots, and another Martini for himself. Once the shots had been taken he turned and went back to the dance floor, not caring if anyone followed him. He wanted to lose himself in the beat, the press of bodies, the buzz of the alcohol.

Which is exactly what he did.

***

When Remus woke up, he was wearing the clothes he went out in and was on James and Sirius’ couch. He blinked a few times, grimacing at the taste in his mouth, and sat up. He retrieved his phone from the coffee table, shocked when he realized he had slept until 1. He had no idea what time they got back, so he didn’t know how much sleep he actually managed. He wasn’t still drunk, so that was a good sign. He heard something clatter in the kitchen and winced. Hopefully someone had pain reliever.

Deciding to go beg for pain reliever or for someone to shoot him, he stood, immediately feeling nauseous. He was suddenly remembering why he didn’t mix liquors.

Once he felt like he could move without having to rush to the bathroom, he made his way to the kitchen, finding James looking far too chipper.

“Remus, mate, how are you feeling? You were a bit of a wreck last night, let me tell you.” James was smiling, shaking his head, and looking like he was trying not to laugh. “Had fun though, that’s for sure.”

Remus winced. “Uh. Yeah. Any pain reliever?”

“Oh!” James turned quickly and began rummaging through what Remus assumed was their medicine cabinet. He caught sight of a few prescription bottles, then felt awkward and averted his eyes. “Are you allergic to anything?” James glanced back towards him.

“Uh. No. Not that I know of.”

“Right-o. Here.” James handed Remus a bottle, then got him a glass of water.

“Feel up for some food? I’d make breakfast but Sirius demands pasta after he drinks.”

“I may eat some, pasta’s fine. Want help, or can I sit and attempt to not die?”

James’ laugh boomed. “Sit, I’m fine. Sirius should be out soon, he’s showering.”

Remus hummed in acknowledgement.

James woke Lily when the pasta was ready and the four of them ate, no one saying much. Remus wasn’t sure what to make of it. After they finished eating Remus decided it was time for him to leave and slipped his shoes on. Lily said that she would be home later, and Sirius walked him to the door.

“Uh, Rem?”

“Yeah?”

Sirius stared at his shoes. “I could be wrong, but I get the feeling that there’s a pretty big reason you don’t show your arms in public, and I don’t want you to feel ashamed or anything, and I want you to know that James wouldn’t judge you or think anything less of you if he knew, and I really hate that he made you so uncomfortable last night. I’m thinking that’s why you got so blitzed last night, but you really, well, you didn’t have to. I’m sorry you felt like you did.” He finally raised his eyes. “Do you want me to explain it to him? Just, just so he doesn’t bring it up again.” Sirius pulled his lip into his mouth, biting it. 

“I…” Remus wasn’t sure how to respond. “What kind of reason do you think I have?”

“I’m not really sure, but-” Sirius frowned, “-I guess I just assumed you had scars or something like that…”

Remus sighed, curling his arms around himself. “Yeah. Yeah, I have scars.”

Sirius nodded. “So, should I talk to him? Or would you rather?”

Remus shook his head. “No. No, I don’t want to talk to him. But, well, if you wouldn’t mind mentioning it to him. I, it really makes me uncomfortable.”

Sirius nodded, then pulled a stiff Remus into a hug. “Absolutely. Consider it handled.”


	6. Can't Sleep This Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't upload a chapter last week (sorry), so I'm giving you two this week.

It didn’t happen gradually. Or maybe it did, but Remus didn’t catch it. A week after their small group had gone out drinking, Remus was woken up by Lily, banging on his door.

“Go away,” he groaned before rolling over and burying his head in his pillow.

Lily kept banging. “Absolutely not, Remus John Lupin. You have been in that bed for practically a straight week.”

Lily paused, waiting for a classic, ‘you know nothing about me is straight.’ joke, but it never came. “Open the door, or, so help me, I will call James and have him come help me take it off the hinges.”

Remus knew she wasn’t kidding so he pulled himself together long enough to shuffle to the door and unlock it, before falling, face first, right back into bed. “There.”

Lily pushed the door open and settled on the bed next to Remus’ head. “Remus, when’s the last time you ate?”

He shrugged.

“Flip over.” She poked him in the side. “We need to talk.”

Remus rolled onto his back, but only so Lily would stop poking him. “I don’t want to talk. I  want to sleep.”

Lily put her wrist on his forehead. “You don’t have a fever which means this is the depression. You can’t isolate yourself like this. You know it doesn’t help.”

And that was the thing. Remus knew it didn’t help, he just didn’t care. He didn’t feel like he deserved the company, and he honestly couldn’t concentrate long enough to have any kind of meaningful conversation or even watch a sitcom.

“Do I need to call Mich?” Lily wiped at Remus’ face and he realized that at some point he had started to cry. Afraid that his voice would break he just nodded.

He didn’t want Lily to have to call Mich and set up an emergency appointment. He didn’t want to be in the bad place again, but he knew that he needed a session. If he was honest he needed to go back to weekly sessions. He didn’t want to think about it though. He felt so broken all the time and he longed to be normal.

Lily spoke forcefully, “Normal is a social construct, Remus. Plenty of people have diagnosed mental illnesses.”

“Didn’t meant to say that outloud.” Remus covered his face with his hands.

“I’m glad you did.” She slid his hands away and threaded her fingers through his. “I love you. No matter what. I’ll meet you where you are and be here anytime you need, yeah?”

He nodded. “Thanks, Lil.”

She hummed. “I’m going to go call Mich. I’ll see if he can squeeze you in today, but it’s kind of late so it will probably be tomorrow. Is there anything specific I need to tell him?”

“‘M not actively suicidal.”

“Got it. I still don’t want you to lock the door, okay?”

“Mhm.”

“I’ll be back in a minute. I’m making soup and I expect you to eat some. I’ll bring that with me.”

Remus didn’t reply. He rolled back onto his front and attempted to calm the anxiety rising within him. He listened to Lily’s voice rise and fall as she spoke to his therapist’s secretary. He couldn’t quite make out her words, nor did he have the energy or desire to follow them, but her voice was soothing.

He had nearly fallen asleep when she returned carrying a tray with soup, two bottles of water, and a glass of chocolate milk.

“I wanna sleep.”

“I know. But you need to eat. Sit up, please. I’ve got you an emergency appointment at 8am tomorrow.” Remus groaned at the idea of getting up that early. “You’ll be okay. I’ll drive you. I just think you need to go in and Mich agrees.”

“I know. I know I need to go in.”

“And you know you need to eat. It’s the chicken and rice that my mum makes. You really liked it last time and it’s light. I know you don’t feel hungry, but it’ll be good to get something warm in you. You can have the chocolate milk after you’ve had at least half of the soup.”

Remus hated when she bribed him, but he really loved chocolate milk. “Is it cold?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Of course not. It’s luke-warm, just like you like it.”

Remus hummed. “Thanks.” He reached for the milk, but Lily tsked and pushed the soup closer to him.

“Soup first. Just try for me.”

“Fine,” Remus huffed. He spooned soup into his mouth, barely tasting it before he swallowed, which was a pity because he did normally really enjoy this soup. Once he had finished half of it he scooted it away, grabbed the glass of milk and smiled into it. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Remus.”

Remus looked up at Lily. “I was talking to the chocolate milk. But, I guess I love you too.”

Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled at him affectionately. Once he finished the milk she sighed. “Can I convince you to shower?”

Remus moaned. “Lily. I just ate a whole meal.”

“No, you ate half a meal, and inhaled chocolate milk.”

Remus waved his hand at her. “Same number of calories.”

“Probably.” Lily stood up. “What about a bath? I have a bubble bar from Lush.”

“I’m just tired Lily.”

“If you take either a bath or a shower now, you won’t have to in the morning.”

“Fine. I’m showering though because it’ll be faster.”

“Fine by me.” Lily helped Remus up and pushed him towards the hallway and their shared bathroom.

Once he was in the shower she quickly stripped his bed and changed his sheets, throwing the dirty ones into the washing machine. Lily was upset with herself for not catching this episode sooner. She had spent a lot of time with James that week and just didn’t notice that Remus wasn’t leaving his room. That day James was going to meet with a potential therapist with Sirius so she had stayed home with the intention of getting some chores done, but around noon she realized that Remus still wasn’t out of bed. She opened up her messenger app and found that Remus hadn’t texted her since the night they had all gone out drinking. She immediately realized that something was up and hoped that it wasn’t because of the comment James had made. She knew exactly how it came across, insensitive, but she also knew that James was sincerely unaware of the situation.

Remus didn’t stay in the shower as long as she had hoped he would, but she hadn’t expected him to. She left his room to let him change. When she returned to tell him that she loved him and that she would wake him up in the morning she was confused and concerned to see him in a long-sleeved shirt. While he always wore long-sleeves out, he rarely slept in them.

“Love?”

“Hm?” Remus didn’t move from his curled up position.

“Why are you wearing long sleeves?”

Remus opened his eyes, confusion then surprise flashed across his features. “Oh. I, I didn’t really think about it. Just, just didn’t want to see any of it, I guess.”

“So you didn’t…”

Remus shook his head, almost violently. “No. Just didn’t want to see it, or be triggered, or anything. I don’t, I hate them Lils. I crave the release, but I hate that and them and all of it.”

Lily ran her fingers through his damp hair. “I know, Rem.” She bit at her lip, wanting to say so much to her best friend but unsure what he needed to hear, or what he could even hear at that point. “I just care, yeah? I wanted to make sure you-” she caught herself, about to say ‘hadn’t relapsed’ but she knew that a comment like that would only make him feel bad if and when he did relapse, it wasn’t quite what she meant anyway, “-didn’t need me to clean and bandage anything for you.”

Remus hummed, but Lily knew that he was half asleep. She stayed regardless, running her fingers through his hair.

***

In the morning, Lily woke from her restless sleep still in Remus’ bed. She swiped at the alarm on her phone and gently shook Remus awake. They pulled on clothes and Remus sat despondent at the kitchen bar while Lily brewed coffee and microwaved freezer breakfast burritos.

They drove in silence.

When they arrived at Remus’ therapist’s office Lily asked if he wanted her to join but he declined. She only nodded and said she would be back in about an hour.

When she returned Remus had a new prescription and an appointment in a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Sorry for all the sad. But it's all for the story! 
> 
> A couple things:  
> -alcohol is classified as a depressant and can trigger depressive episodes. That's why the emphasis on the night they went out drinking as far as timeline goes.  
> -Often times intuition tells us to ask someone who self-harms to promise us that they won't self-harm again. This is NOT recommended. The thing is, if you know that someone is self-harming, or thinking about it, they trust you. They probably care about you and what you think of them. By making them promise not to self-harm, if/when they self-harm again (because it's not as simple as people like to make it look) they may be too ashamed that they broke their promise to you to go to you. It's better for them to continue trusting you. They may one day need your help getting to a hospital or doctor, they may need your help finding a therapist. Don't accidentally close a door. On the same note, there is a lot of stigma around self-harm and self-harm scars. Oftentimes it's obvious what they are from. If you see someone with self-harm scars in public, leave them alone about them. You don't know where they are in their journey. It could be the first or the fiftieth time they've left their house comfortable enough to be that exposed. It's a vulnerable thing. Don't make them more uncomfortable by staring or commenting.  
> End rant.  
> Love you people. The comments bring me so much joy!  
> <3


	7. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

The next few weeks progressed as anyone would have thought they would. Lily and James spent an obnoxious amount of time with one another. Remus struggled out of his depressive episode, with the help of his new increased prescription, Mich, and time. Sirius spent most of their time in practice but somehow found a therapist they liked and began weekly sessions. Everyone started classes.

The foursome decided before classes started that they wanted to meet with everyone at least once a week, no matter what. James suggested that everyone had to eat, and none of them were on uni meal plans, so it was reasonable for them to plan a weekly dinner. They chose Friday since it wouldn’t interfere with classes or assignments. They had decided early on that they would alternate cooks and locations so that no one was burdened two weeks in a row.

Three weeks into the semester though, Remus didn’t care. He was more than happy to make food for his friends. Honestly, he had been craving an activity.

James, Lily, and Sirius arrived around the same time that Remus pulled the roasted chicken he had prepared out of the oven. His grin was wide as he greeted his friends.

The table was already set, with dishes of Au Gratin potatoes and green beans in the center, though enough room remained between the two for the chicken. Remus placed the chicken in it’s designated space.

Sirius’ eyes widened as they took in everything Remus had managed to make, seemingly from scratch. “Rem, don’t you have that big research paper due tomorrow?”

“Yeah, already turned it in though. I finished it last night.”

Lily choked on the water she had just taken a sip of. “You said last night that you hadn’t started!”

“That was at 7. I suppose I really finished this morning. It was around 3am when I submitted it.”

James looked up from where he was spooning potatoes onto his plate. “How much sleep did you get last night?”

Remus laughed. “None.” He continued carving the chicken like nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Sirius made eye contact with Lily. “And you still managed to make this meal? Fuck, you must be exhausted.”

Remus shook his head and began serving himself. “Not really. I felt like I couldn’t sit still all day. Actually made a chocolate cake earlier for dessert. I’m excited to try it. I didn’t make a traditional frosting, but instead I did a ganache. I tasted a bit of what was left over and it was divine.”

Lily blinked, trying to figure out what was going on. Remus normally had such a calm demeanor. Now, it was like he couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “Love, have you taken anything today?”

Remus looked up from his plate, surprise clear. “Nothing but my meds. Why would you ask that? Of course I wouldn’t take something. I’m just happy, Lil. I feel like I could go for days. Why aren’t you happy for me?” He turned to Sirius. “Wanna go out tonight? I’d love to dance.”

Sirius bit their bottom lip. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

Remus picked his plate up and binned what he hadn’t eaten, which was most of his meal. “Whatever. I’m going out anyway.” He disappeared into his bedroom.

For a moment Lily, James, and Sirius just stared at one another. Remus was acting incredibly uncharacteristically, but they had no idea why. James was the first to speak, “Maybe that med change really helped.” He shrugged. “When Sirius went on antidepressants for the first time there was a huge change.”

Lily bit at her thumb nail. “Maybe.”

When Remus walked back through he was wearing a pair of skin tight, black skinny jeans and a fitted dark grey henley. “Don’t wait up, Lils,” he said as he grabbed his key to their apartment. He looked back at her. “Actually, tonight might be a good night for you to stay with James.” His lips curled into a wolfish grin, then he turned and was gone.

“Just in an exceptionally good mood,” Sirius said, an uneasy feeling building in his stomach.

* * *

 

For Remus that weekend was a blur of working on future assignments, cooking, and cleaning during the day and going out to bars and pulling at night. On Monday he went to class, having only gotten a few hours of sleep. A few minutes into the lecture, however, he couldn’t sit still. He tried bouncing his legs to burn off energy, then he tried to read on his laptop to distract himself, but he ended up not coming back after the break his professor gave them an hour and a half in.

He didn’t want to go back to his and Lily’s apartment, because he knew she would only nag at him because he was supposed to be in class, so instead he went to one of his favorite bars. He knew it wouldn’t be as fun since it was still early and a Monday, but it was late enough that there was a chance he would meet someone interested in a casual shag.

He was correct in that assumption. Two martinis in, a man approached him. He looked a bit older than Remus, but he was definitely attractive. “What’s a pretty young thing like you doing here at a time like this?”

Remus cocked an eyebrow. “What’s it look like?” He waited a beat, then continued, “I’m looking to get fucked. Interested?”

The man’s lips crept into a smile. “Oh, I’m definitely interested. Your place or mine?”

“Yours. The roommate’s nosey.”

“Mhm. I remember those days.” He wrapped his hand around Remus’ upper arm in a way that seemed almost possessive. “C’mon then.”

Remus let the man lead him the few blocks to his apartment. As soon as the door shut behind them, the man was on him, kissing his neck and pressing him against the wall. Remus ran his fingers through his hair. It wasn’t as soft as he thought it would be, but he supposed it didn’t really matter.

Remus felt the hardness of the man press against his own. He pushed his head back only to moan the word, “bedroom.”

The man turned immediately, grabbing hold of Remus’ wrist and pulling him along. When they got to the man’s bedroom, Remus let himself be pushed onto the bed. Both of them immediately began removing their clothes. Once they were both bare, the man positioned himself above Remus, bracketing his head with his arms. Remus was breathless and invigorated, excited and achingly hard.

Remus pushed the man up, then hooked his legs over his arms. The man rummaged through a drawer and returned with a bottle of lube, then began to prepare him. Remus moaned as the man pressed into his prostate. In mere minutes Remus was beggin that man to fuck him, and he listened. Remus didn’t even tense when he felt the man’s penis pushing at his entrance. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the man’s neck and kissed his chest. The man was loud. Louder than anyone else Remus had ever been with and for a millisecond he wondered if it was a show. Then, the man’s hand was on Remus’ cock and nothing else mattered. The man was pounding into Remus’ prostate and stroking his cock and then he was coming. A few thrusts later and the man was coming as well.

That was when Remus noticed.

The man wasn’t wearing a condom. The man had cum in him. He didn’t know this man. This man was still over him, preventing him from leaving. This man may have an STD or STI. This man could have infected him. Remus realized he had been holding his breath and gasped. He pushed the man away and began gathering his clothes. He spat out that his roommate would track his phone if he wasn’t home soon, and the man waved him away, stating that if he ever wanted to get together again he knew the place. Everything from the past week was crashing into him. Remus nodded, but on the inside he was screaming.

* * *

 

When Remus opened the door to his and Lily’s flat, Lily and James were cuddled up on the sofa. For a moment he was furious that James was there, distracting Lily from him during this crucial time. He didn’t bother with the feeling for long though; he was too upset.

Remus flung himself and Lily and began to sob.

“Rem! Rem, what’s wrong?” Lily was clearly afraid.

“Everything,” Remus sobbed.

“What happened? Tell me what’s wrong?” Lily rubbed circles into his back, looking at James with eyes wide.

“I-” Remus choked and sputtered, “-I fucked up. Something’s wrong. I don’t know what it is but I’m not, I’m not normally this careless.”

“Careless? Remus you’ve finished like half of your assignments for the semester. How could that be careless?” James asked.

“I let someone fuck me without a condom. I’ve been with like 7 people over the weekend.” Remus paused. “Something’s wrong,” he wailed.

“Yeah, yeah. I hear you.” Lily responded. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, love. We’ll figure it out. I’m… I’m going to call Mich’s cell, yeah?”

Remus just nodded. 

He knew Mich only gave his cell out in case he was actively suicidal or something was really, really wrong. He wasn’t going to disagree with Lily. He knew this was bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to cut this chapter off here. I didn't want the chapters to have too much of a difference in word count and if I continued it any further it would have ended up being over twice the current length. Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Remus is in need of some hugs, guys.


	8. It'll Calm Down Eventually

Remus listened to Lily talk to Mich while he sobbed into her lap and ran his fingers over her cardigan. James hadn’t left, but had excused himself to make tea.

Lily removed the phone from her ear and spoke softly to Remus, “Mich would really like to talk to you. Do you think you can handle that.”

Remus thought for a moment, still sobbing, then nodded and reached for the phone. As soon as the phone was pressed against his face he slurred, “Mich, I’m… I’m not okay. This is… more. I felt good before, great even, but now I’m scared. I’ve felt it before, I’m sure. Last year. But I wasn’t  _ me  _ then, and I’m not me now. I’m scared.”

“Remus, I hear you. I need you to breathe for me. It’ll be okay, just breathe.”

A moment passed then Mich spoke again, “Remus, I need you to be 100% honest with me right now, can you do that?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Mich spoke calmly but forcefully, “Are you actively suicidal right now?”

Remus took a moment to think, then said, “No, I don’t have a plan or want to have a plan, but… I’m… I can see myself… Something is not normal. I’m not going to kill myself, but I’m not okay.” Remus took the moment of silence to attempt to catch his breath. “What is this?”

“I have some suspicions, but I’ll need to see you in office and ask some questions to determine exactly what’s going on. Regardless, I can tell you that together we can handle it. Can you meet with me tomorrow, and when?”

“Yeah, yeah. Any time. Whatever you have free. Classes don’t matter. I need to see you, I need to know what this is.”

“Okay. I hear you Remus. But I need you to calm down. I can come in early and meet you at 6. Can you be there then?”

“Yeah, yeah, talk to Lils.” Remus pushed the phone towards Lily and she immediately took it.

A few seconds passed while Lily listened to Mich speak.

“Okay, absolutely. 6am. Got it. Anything I should-” Lily nodded while she listened. “Okay. Got it. Thank you. Thank you so much.” Lily hung up and turned towards Remus. “Love, it’ll be okay. No matter what happens we can get through it.”

Remus let the words wash over him. He continued to sob, but he hoped Lily’s words were true.

* * *

 

When Remus woke up the next day he was on a blanket pallet in his living room. He whimpered and burrowed his head into the covers and pillow he had bunched between his arms. He didn’t feel ready to face the day, but he was awake regardless. His face was swollen from crying himself to sleep and his stomach was in knots. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. It was still dark, but he had no idea where his phone was so he couldn’t check the time. He trusted Lily to have set an alarm. He heard something behind him so he shifted to look. James was sat on the couch, watching him carefully.

Remus cleared his throat. “What time is it?”

James tapped the button on his phone. “Little after 2.”

“Fuck.” Remus rubbed at his eyes. “Why are you awake?”

“Mich told Lily that he doubted you would sleep through the night, if you fell asleep at all. We’ve been sleeping in shifts because she didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Remus covered his face with his hands, and mumbled a barely intelligible, “I’m so sorry.” He took in a shuddering breath. “I’m such a fuckup.”

Remus startled when he felt James’ hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t heard the man move. “Remus, look at me.” He obeyed. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re not a fuckup. Something is clearly going on, and we’re going to get it sorted, okay?”

Remus nodded.

“You’re meeting with Mich at 6, and he told Lily that he has a pretty good idea of what’s going on and what to do about it. After that we’re going to visit the health clinic so they can test you and start you on a STI regimine. Do you know if you’ve been vaccinated for Hep B?”

Remus felt tears run down his face, but the crying was quiet this time. “I’m pretty sure, yeah.”

“Great. We’ll make sure of that and it’ll all be taken care of.”

They sat in silence for a minute, then Remus said, “Is Sirius here?”

“No, he had a late practice yesterday. I just told him I was staying here for the night. Why, do you want me to call him?”

Remus shook his head. “No, I don’t want him to see me like this. I’m so ashamed.” 

James waited for more, but when Remus was silent he asked what he’d wanted to for weeks, “You like him, don’t you?”

“Very much so. But he deserves so much more than this. I’m… I’m a fucking mess.” Remus covered his face with his hands again.

“Hey, no. That’s not true. Remus, he’s been in bad places too. I know this sucks and you feel really shitty, but you’re not a fuckup. Everything will look better once we get this figured out, yeah? Then we can talk about Sirius.”

Remus rubbed at his face. “It really isn’t the time, is it?”

“No, probably not. But the time will come.”

They sat in silence for a while. “I think I want to shower,” Remus said while he untangled himself from the blankets and stood.

“Okay.” James ran his fingers through his hair, standing as well. “Lily told me not to leave you alone though. Want me to wake her?”

Remus knew what Lily was afraid of. “No, it’s fine. Do you mind to sit in there with me?”

“Oh. Sure. You’re okay with that?”

Remus waved his hand. “Can’t be any more embarrassed than I already am.”

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Remus glared at him. “We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.”

James waved him on. Remus walked into the bathroom and pulled the shower curtain back and turned towards James. “Check for razors.”

James stared at him wide-eyed. “Uhm, like, for shaving?”

“Yeah. Safety razors, straight razors, blades typically used for art. Check around and under all the bottles. Lil will ask later, while I’m not around.”

James blinked. “Er… right.” He leaned into the shower and began rummaging around. He lifted every bottle and searched even the top ledges of the shower. “Okay. Blade free.”

Remus nodded then began tugging his clothes off, leaving his boxers for after he was behind the shower curtain. He tensed when he realized that James was seeing his arms for the first time, but he forced himself to relax. “Ask anything you want.”

Remus expected him to ask ‘why?’; what he didn’t expect was the simple response of, “What do you want to tell me?”

Remus opened his mouth to respond, but didn’t know how. Instead he stepped into the shower, closing the curtain, and took off his boxers, throwing them over the rod. He turned on the water, letting it heat up before pulling up the valve to make the water rain down. He let the water run over him and looked over his arms. Most of the scars he had were thin and white, but a few were red and puffy. There were parallel lines, and lines that intersected others. Some ran across his arm, while others were vertical. None of them were perfect, it wasn’t about symmetry or precision for him. He craved the release, the blood, the satisfaction of destroying himself. He supposed he craved sex for similar reasons sometimes. He knew his scars as much as he knew himself. He dropped his hands and reached for the shampoo.

“I started doing it in year ten. I don’t even remember why I thought of it, but it didn’t take me long to realize that it worked. It quieted the thoughts, helped me relax.” Remus worked to clean himself methodically. He knew if he focused on that he would be able to tell James about this part of himself without breaking down. “I actually turned in a poem about it for an assignment. Didn’t have any cuts or scars at that point, so I figured I could say it was creative license and I wasn’t the narrator. Teacher didn’t buy it though. She said that if I could put myself in that mindset at all she thought I should meet with the school counselor. He told my parents that he thought I would benefit from therapy. So that’s how that all started. I stopped for a while, afraid that my parents would find out and have me go in patient. Then it became clear that they trusted me and thought the therapy and antidepressants had ‘fixed’ me or whatever. It’s been something I’ve struggled with ever since. They never understood that it wasn’t about wanting to die; it was trying to deal with the pain and hatred a felt toward myself. But, most of the bigger scars are from last year. Thank fuck they’ve finally stopped itching. Mich knows of course, he’s the first therapist I’ve told. First therapist I’ve sought out myself and felt comfortable enough to tell. I’m working through it with him. Been clean for about six months. Mich asked me what I hated the most about it early on.” Remus laughed. “Told him that it made sex awkward as fuck. Which is true if the person notices and asks me about them. It’s worse when I’m in a relationship, because then they want to really talk about it: why I do it and all that. It’s exhausting. I hate it for a lot of reasons now. Now that I’ve talked through it with Mich and I’m not trying to rationalize it.” Remus turned off the water, realizing that he had finished actually cleaning himself some time ago, and reached out to grab the towel on his hook. “Sorry, I didn’t really mean to say all that.”

“No need to be sorry. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Remus wrapped the towel around his waist and pushed the curtain open, nodding. “Hey, do you know where my phone is?”

James hummed. “Lil put it on to charge last night. Think it’s in the kitchen.”

“Thanks.”

James followed Remus into his bedroom, where Remus pulled boxers, jeans, a t-shirt, and a cardigan on. They both walked to the kitchen where Remus settled on a bar stool, disconnected his phone from the charger, and checked his notifications. James pulled out bowls, spoons, cereal, and milk.

Lily walked out of her bedroom, still wearing pajamas and trying to tame her long hair into a decent ponytail, and stared at James, waiting for him to update her on the situation.

James looked up at her, nodded briefly and said, “Do you want some?”

She smiled. “Sure, thanks. But he won’t eat that.” She turned to Remus and wrapped her arms around him. “How are you feeling.”

He leaned in. “Still shit, but better than last night.”

“Do you want chocolate milk?”

“Please.”

“I’ll make it,” James offered.

“Thanks, love. Use one of the plastic cups. Two scoops of the powder in the cabinet where we keep the tea, and pop it in the microwave for a minute.”

James’ brows furrowed. “Microwave?”

“He only drinks it luke warm,” Lily said, laughing. 

“Don’t make fun of me,” Remus moaned as he pushed his head into Lily’s shoulder.

“Don’t get me all wet.” Lily pushed his head away. “I’ll take my own shower for that.” She stiffened and turned to James. “You let him shower? James, I asked you not to leave him alone.”

Remus jerked back and grabbed her hand. “Lil, don’t blame him or worry. He checked and sat in there with me. Here, you can check my arms and everything.” Remus held his arms out, wrists up.

Lily shoved at them. “No, I trust you. And you know it would be okay even if you did. I just, I worry. You were so upset last night. If you wouldn’t talk to Mich he wanted to have you admitted. I was afraid you’d try to kill yourself.”

Remus pulled her into a tight hug, crushing her against himself. “I’m so sorry. I barely remember what I was saying. I just knew that the way I was feeling wasn’t normal and I didn’t feel okay. I felt safe, like I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself; but I didn’t feel okay. I still don’t. It’s not as bad now, but I know something isn’t right. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Lily nodded against Remus’ chest. “I know,” came her muffled reply.

* * *

When Remus walked out of Mich’s office he was wearing an expression that Lily had no idea how to read. He got into Lily’s car silently. He didn’t make eye contact or show any emotion when he said, “I have a new prescription. Should be ready in about an hour.”

James, scrunched in the back seat, clapped him on the shoulder. “See, mate. All you needed was a med adjustment. Told you everything would get sorted.”

Lily nodded as she started her car and began pulling onto the road. “Did he decrease it or what?”

Remus covered his face with his hands. “He changed it.”

“Why would he do that? You’ve had the same antidepressant for years and it seemed to manage your depression really well. What changed?”

“My diagnosis.”

“What do you mean? You had a major depressive episode only a month ago. I don’t understand.” She waited for a response, but when one didn’t come she continued, “Remus, talk to me.”

“He said I was having a manic episode and that based on what I told him today about how I was feeling and how I’ve felt like that before it wasn’t the first one. He thinks I have Bipolar Disorder, but he doesn’t want to further classify it yet.”

The car was silent.

Lily bit her lip. “Are you okay?”

“No.” At that the tears started to fall again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the continued angst and pain. BUTTTT Remus actually exposed some of his backstory! YAYYY
> 
> Speaking of Remus' backstory,
> 
> It's low key based off of my own. Mostly when it comes to his scars. It's always really bothered me that people tend to talk about self harm scars as if they are always straight, parallel lines. Mine aren't. And, that doesn't make me or anyone else any less valid. This was and is and always ill be my life. Trying to "straighten" it doesn't make my reality any less real.
> 
> ANYWAYS:  
> There will be fluff soon, promise. Xx


	9. Unpacking

Remus didn’t take his new diagnosis well. It wasn’t because he felt less than or broken or different from the ‘typicals’, but it was because he felt like he was having to relearn himself. He had had nearly half a decade to deal with and accept his original diagnosis. He had come to terms with always dealing with anxiety and depression. He knew that neither depression nor bipolar disorder were better or worse, they were just different; but he was used to the idea of living with one and not the other. He was used to the idea of living in a depressive episode or just living, and not the idea of bouncing between depression, mania, and just living. He knew it wasn’t quite like that. He knew there was nuance. But he also knew that he had to simplify it for himself somehow.

It was two weeks after Remus had come home delirious and inconsolable when Lily decided it was time to address that Remus wasn’t coping well. They were sitting on the couch, both of them alternating between reading for classes and scrolling through their phones. “You know I love you, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course,” Remus responded without looking up from his phone.

“What’s wrong? Why are you so-” Lily waved her hand up and down, “-unsettled and upset?”

Remus choked a bit on the water he was sipping. “I…’ Remus didn’t know how to respond. He hated being this needy, this broken. At the same time, he knew, logically, that Lily wouldn’t feel the same about the situation. He knew Lily would want him to be open and honest. So, he was. “I’m not used to the  _ idea  _ of this diagnosis.” He rubbed his hands over his face, eventually ceasing movement, letting his palms rest over his eyes. “I feel so ashamed of what I did. What I’ve been doing. I could have prevented this last episode if I’d told Mich about last year. I just… I didn’t because I felt like I had so many more pressing issues to address. And with Sirius and James and classes and everything. I just feel like the ground has disintegrated beneath me. Everything I thought I knew about myself - my life - was wrong. What if some of my best memories are from times I was manic? What if - just what if? I, I feel like I’m second guessing my entire life.”

Lily sighed, let her hand fall over Remus’ then spoke gently, but with determination, “Love, everyone second guesses things from their past. Everyone learns things later, either about themselves or the world, then has to reconcile that with their memories and their realities.”

Remus let his hands move back to clench at his neck. “I know that, but I feel like this is my entire future, my entire reality. This is never going away.”

There was a moment where both Remus and Lily were silent.

Lily finally spoke, “Well, no, this isn’t going away, Rem.” Lily moved to demand eye contact from Remus, still clutching his hand. “But still, you are you and that’s okay. Yeah, this is never going away. You’re always going to have a mental illness, but tons of people are going to have to treat an illness of some sort for the rest of their lives. There’s no shame in it.”

Remus nodded. “I know.” He nodded. “I know and accept that when it’s anyone else. It’s just hard to accept that this is my life now. That I have this entire knew aspect of my life that I’ll always have to acknowledge and deal with. Prescriptions, and avoiding triggers, and monitoring my moods, therapy has even changed. I know there’s no shame in this. It’s just hard. Acknowledging. Adjusting. Accepting.”

Lily took in a deep breath. “Okay. I hear you. I acknowledge what you’re feeling. I can’t imagine how something like this would feel. I have never been diagnosed with something chronic, so I don’t know what kind of shift in mentality you’re dealing with. What I do know is that you’re still you. You’ve learned something new about yourself, sure, but you’re still you.”

Remus nodded. “I know that. But-”

Lily cut him off, “Listen for a minute. How old were you when you realized that you’re pan pan?”

Remus’ face scrunched up, confused. “Uhm… you know this.”

“I know, but say it again.” She laughed. “There’s a point to it, promise.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. In year 9 I realized that I liked looking at guys just as much as girls, and that I wouldn’t mind kissing one, liked the idea. I assumed that meant that I was bi. Then in year 10 at a GSA meeting we started discussing gender and as I thought more about it I realized that I’m attracted to people, not parts. After doing some more research I found out about pansexuality and that fit so I went with it. Now explain how this has to do with anything.”

“One more question.” Remus groaned, but Lily continued on. “Did learning that pansexuality existed change your sexuality, or you, or did it give you a way to talk about and understand who you already were?”

“Fuck, why are you always right about this shit?”

Lily preened. “Because I’m a genius. And you love me.”

Remus pulled her into his arms. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

* * *

 

A few hours later Lily’s phone vibrated. Remus glanced over to see her smiling down at what he assumed was a text from James. When he asked, she affirmed as much.

“He says he misses me and Sirius feels like they haven’t seen you much recently. The two of them were wondering if we’d like to go out tonight.” Lily looked over to gauge Remus’ response. “Feel up to it?”

Remus bit at his bottom lip, looking down at his hands in his lap.

Though he was only silent for a moment, Lily knew her best friend. “Rem, you can say no if you don’t want to. No one would blame you.”

He shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I miss them too. I’ve been avoiding Sirius because I don’t want to get my hopes up, or ruin their life, or break what relationship we’ve got going on.” He ran his fingers through his curls then pulled his sleeves over his hands. “THat’s not really it though. I don’t really want to go out because apparently alcohol is a trigger for depression and I’m just so tired.”

Lily nodded. “I didn’t think about that. The alcohol, I mean. We don’t have to drink. I’ll stay sober with you, and I’m sure James and Sirius would be amenable. But, are you feeling alright? We’ve hardly done anything today, and you’re tired.”

Remus sighed. “Not that kind of tired. I mean, sort of. More than anything I’m just tired of everything. Of all the changes. Of life. Of myself.”

Lily lifted an eyebrow. “You realize how that sounds, yeah?”

Remus curled further in on himself. “Yeah, I know, but I’m not actively suicidal. And I’ve been talking about it all with Mich. It’ll be fine, eventually. Just trying to get used to everything. And we have to get my meds adjusted to work well for me.”

Lily shifted closer to him and pulled at his arms until she could take his hands. “Okay. Well, keep me updated, and you can always talk to me. You know that.” Remus smiled and nodded. “Right. Let’s take today one step at a time. Do you want to see James and Sirius today? I know you’ve had an emotional day, so just be honest.”

Remus thought for a moment, but Lily could tell because of his expression that he was genuinely trying to decide if he wanted and was up for a get-together. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Lily smiled. “Right. Would you like them to come here? Would you prefer we go out for dinner? What would make you the most comfortable?”

“Here, I think. That way if it gets to be too much I can go into my room and it won’t ruin anyone else’ fun.”

“You know-”

Remus waved his hand, cutting her off. “Yes, I know I wouldn’t, just… Here. I want to stay here.”

“Okay. I’ll text him back and maybe we can get a pizza. Maybe rent a movie?”

Remus nodded. That sounded like a perfect evening.

* * *

 

When Sirius and James arrived an hour later they were carrying two pizzas, grocery bags, and two DVDs. Sirius set the bags on the table and let out a huff.

“You’d think will all the running you do at practice you’d have more stamina,” James laughed.

Sirius glared at him. “My stamina is exceptional, thank you very much.”

“Just only selectively used.” James raised his brows, smiling.

Remus blushed at the implication. He was momentarily jealous that Sirius was having sex with someone, then immediately felt guilty because not even a month ago he went on a sex binge. He was just glad that all the tests had come back negative. He was still supposed to return in two months to make sure, but he felt infinitely better about the situation.

Lily quickly said, “Let’s not be too vulgar now.”

Sirius laughed. “Lily, I share a flat with James. I know for a fact you don’t have a problem with vulgarity.”

Lily flicked his ear. “That doesn’t mean we talk like that in the kitchen.”

Sirius rolled their eyes but started unpacking the bags. Remus took a moment to compose himself, uncomfortable with what he just learned about his best friend, and the easy discussion of sex. Lily and James left Sirius and Remus to sort out the food while they arranged the living room and set up the first movie. Remus walked up to Sirius. “What all did you bring?” He laughed, staring at the soda and candy that covered the table. “Well, if we’re having a movie night we had to get supplies! You can’t have a movie night without candy and popcorn.” Sirius squeezed Remus’ arm, smiling.

“I suppose not.” Remus laughed, and it felt good. It felt really good. He was glad he said yes.

“I’m glad we thought of this.” Sirius turned to look at Remus. “We’ve had our weekly dinners, of course, but I feel like I haven’t seen or heard much from you recently. Everything okay?”

Remus’s mouth opened slightly as he realized that neither Lily nor James told Sirius what had happened. He should have assumed that they wouldn’t seeing as it was so private, and he himself was so vulnerable. He just, didn’t think though. “I, I probably shouldn’t have thought you had been told but I did.”

Sirius’ face scrunched up. “Told what?”

“I… I don’t really want to get into all of it tonight. I want to have a good time. No, I need to have a good time. But, two weeks ago I came back to the flat - Lily and James were here - and I was a mess. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt reckless and too much and nothing was enough, but I did some stupid things and made a mistake and just kind of spiralled.” Remus swiped at tears, unsure when they started. “I, sorry,” he choked.

Sirius reached out hesitantly, wanting to pull Remus into a hug but unsure if he would want something like that. Remus leaned into the touch, though, so Sirius wrapped their arms around him tighter. “You’re okay. Nothing to be sorry about. You’re safe.” Sirius spoke calmly, unsure exactly what was going on. They didn’t have to understand exactly what was going on. They understood that something had happened, and Remus needed to be comforted. They could do that. When Remus pulled away and wiped at his cheeks he sighed.

“Sorry, let me actually explain now that I’m sure I confused the shit out of you.”

Sirius gave a sad smile. “Thanks.” They bumped Remus with their elbow.

“Mich said I was in the middle of a manic episode and has since changed my meds and diagnosis from Depression to Bipolar Disorder 1. It’s been a lot to adjust to. And I’m dealing with a lot of guilt about some of the things I’ve done.”

Sirius nodded. “That really and truly sucks.”

Remus laughed, loud and unapologetically. He pulled Sirius into another hug. He spoke softly, “that’s one of my favorite things about you. You don’t hand out fake platitudes or say the stereotypical ‘I’m sorry.’ you answer how you truly feel, even if it isn’t the more socially acceptable. I think it means more that way.”

Sirius hummed, but Remus could tell that they were smiling.

They were broken out of their quiet moment when Lily shouted from the living room. “Hurry up and bring the food! I’m starting the movie in 2 minutes whether or not you’re in here!”

So they did as they were told and brought the pizzas, drinks, and an assortment of snacks with them. When they sat down on pillows in the floor, Remus and Sirius sat very close to one another.


	10. Up In Smoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm deeply sorry this took so long. I realized after Ch. 9 that there were some important things I hadn't addressed. I'm addressing them here, but it took me some time to decide how I wanted to do it. Quality over quantity. Hopefully you agree.

When Remus woke up the next morning he was alone on the pallet he and Sirius had made on the living room floor. He reached under his pillow to find his phone, unlocked it, and checked for notifications. His phone was blissfully blank, so he sat up and took in the surrounding chaos. James was still asleep on the couch, arm hanging off the side and mouth open. Remus thought Sirius had fallen asleep next to him on the pallet, but Sirius wasn’t there.

Remus forced himself to stand and walk into the kitchen. He needed breakfast and his alarm for his morning meds would go off in a few minutes. He started scrambling some eggs, making extra in case someone else showed up, and pushed bread into the toaster. When his alarm went off he turned it off and retrieved his medicine organizer from the cabinet. He filled a glass of water and while he was methodically swallowing the pills Lily came out of her bedroom, dressed and ready for the day.

“Morning, love.” Lily peered into the pan with eggs and batted her lashes at Remus.

He rolled his eyes. “I made extra. Good morning to you too.” Remus plated the eggs and put two more slices of bread into the toaster. “Where’s Sirius?”

“Their in the shower. Got up around the same time as me. They like to shower first thing.”

Remus nodded. After a moment he asked, “Can I ask you a question?”

Lily snickered. “Rem, you should know by now that you can ask me anything.”

Remus sighed. “I know I can ask you anything about you. This isn’t though. About you. I mean, it sort of it. But. Whatever, just tell me if you don’t feel comfortable answering.”

Lily set her fork down and looked at Remus. “Yeah, okay. Ask.”

Remus pulled his sleeves over his hands, fingering the fabric. “Right. I’ve noticed that you always use they/them pronouns for Sirius if he, er… they aren’t around that day or you haven’t talked to them. I guess… you spend more time around James and Sirius so I just wondered if that was something you picked up from James, or if Sirius requested it, or if you just do it. I kind of default to he, but… Sirius isn’t always a he.

“Hmmm.” Lily steepled her fingers, biting at her cheek and thinking. “Well, James may do it too. I’m not entirely sure. Sirius definitely didn’t ask me to. Remember when we first met them? Sirius said that they are okay with he/him, she/her, or they/them pronouns when they aren’t around as long as it’s done with respect. I think it may be because of my experience with Marls. I got so used to using they/them as default with them that it just feels right to use they/them when I don’t know what Sirius wants. I’d hate to trigger anyone accidentally. But whenever I stay with James, Sirius always tells me which pronouns to use as soon as they get out of the shower.”

Remus inhaled and exhaled deeply. “Okay. That makes sense. I just. I don’t want to mess this up, yeah?”

Lily laid her hand on Remus’ forearm. “Yeah, love, I get it. But I honestly don’t think you’re messing anything up. You’re asking all the right questions.”

Remus smiled, gave a slight nod, then tucked into his breakfast.

***

Sirius walked into the kitchen wearing yesterday’s jeans and a white shirt with a rainbow on it.

“Morning you two.” Sirius pressed a kiss to Lily’s cheek. “He/him today.”

“Thanks, love.” Lily smiled. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Fine, thanks. I’m guessing James is still asleep? He’s not the best with long nights.”

“You would be correct. He was a menace in his sleep too. Eventually I had to go to my bed.”

“Why didn’t the two of you just go there to begin with?” Remus asked. 

Sirius stood behind Remus and carded his fingers through Remus’ curls. “Yesterday was about you, Rem.”

Remus turned around, looking sharply at Sirius. “What, why?”

Sirius shrugged. “Lils said you needed a night with friends to get your mind off of everything. It’s why we came.”

“You weren’t supposed to tell him that,” said Lily.

“Well, no one informed me. Apologies.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Right. Well, I know now. Thank you. It did help.”

“Wonderful. Now, onto more important things. Have either of you seen those shirts that say ‘Make America gay again’?” Sirius looked from Remus to Lily hopefully. 

Lily shook her head while Remus laughed and said,”Yeah.”

“Any idea where I can get one? I  _ need  _ it in my life.”

“I haven’t seen any in a local store but I’m sure you could order one. Let’s look now. I kind of want one too.”

Sirius’ smile widened.

***

The next week went well for Remus. He took his meds, went to classes, did assignments, went to therapy, and was overall starting to feel more like himself. He was humming in the kitchen, stirring a pot of spaghetti sauce, a week later when Lily asked him how he was feeling.

“I feel good, Lils.”

Lily bit at her lip, though Remus couldn’t see it as he was facing the stovetop and she was sitting at the table. “Good, or too good?”

Remus turned around, brow furrowed. “Are you asking me if I’m manic right now?”

“Well, I guess so. You just, you’re so much happier and I want to make sure everything is okay.”

“Yes. Happier. I’m not being reckless. Am I?” Remus held his arms out for inspection. “Am I drinking?” Remus’ voice was progressively getting louder. “Getting fucked up on something else? Having sex?”

“I… Remus I didn’t mean it like that,” Lily pleaded. “I just want to make sure that you’re both happy and healthy.”

“I get that Lily, but have I given you any indication that I’m not? Sure, I had to work through some shit, but I’m doing just that. I’m working through some shit. You know it takes time. I may not be neurotypical, but newsflash, I never will. I’m not actively suicidal. I’m not in a major depressive episode. I’m not being reckless. I’m not manic. I’m actually in a decent mood for once. Let me fucking have this.”

“Remus, I know. I’m sorr-” Lily cut herself off when she saw the smoke. “Shit, the sauce!”

Remus spun around. “Fucking hell.” He snached the pan off of the burner and turned off the stovetop. He dropped the pan into the sink and began to fill it with water. “If the fucking smoke alarm goes off, it’s your fault.” Watching the water fill the pan in his peripheral vision, Remus took out his phone and texted Sirius.

**Hey. Can I come over for a bit? I need some space from Lily.**

He barely had to wait for a reply.

_ Sure, need a ride? _

**No, thanks. What I need is to leave. I’ll walk.**

_ If you’re sure. Be safe. _

**Yeah, thanks.**

Remus turned off the water and turned to Lily but didn’t meet her eye. “I’m going to Sirius and James’. Text them to check if you must. I’ll let you know if I decide to stay the night or if I’m coming back.”

“I do trust you.” Lily rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I don’t.”

Remus knew, rationally, that Lily was telling the truth. He didn’t know how to respond though, and he was still too upset to have any more of the conversation, so he turned to his room, grabbing a few things in case he felt like staying the night, and left.

***

When Remus arrived, Sirius immediately handed him a cup of tea. Remus smiled. “Thanks.”

Sirius nodded. “Have you eaten?”

Remus scoffed. “No. I was making spaghetti but Lily and I got into it and I wasn’t paying attention and burned the sauce.”

“Damn. Well, we haven’t either. James is throwing together some Tikka Masala. I’m sure he’s made plenty. He uses his mum’s recipe and it normally feeds the two of us at least twice.”

“That sounds great, thanks.” Now that the anger had faded away Remus was feeling defeated and tired. He knew that Lily just wanted him to be happy, but that was what he was trying to do, desperately.

Sirius squeezed his shoulder. “Want to talk about it? I understand if you don’t, but I know how I feel when I fight with James.”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, I do. I’m just… it’s going to sounds so stupid.”

“I mean, it may. But feelings are feelings. You’ve got the right to have them. So does Lily. And because we’re all friends we should want to acknowledge each other's feelings and needs and help make sure we’re all happy, and safe, and valued.”

Remus blinked. “Who the fuck are you and what have you done with Sirius.”

Sirius pouted. “I’m intelligent, thank you very much.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it. It just didn’t sound like something you would come up with out of the blue.”

Sirius smirked. “Fair. Therapist and I had a session a few days ago. We were talking about what it means to be family. Some of that was a part of it. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”

“That makes sense. The therapist you’ve been seeing is working out then?”

Sirius smiled. “Yes, but we’ll talk about that later.”

“Uhg. Fine. I’ve been in a decent mood lately. Things have been better. Lily basically asked me if I was feeling good or if I was manic and… I guess it just hurt.”

“Because you were feeling good, in general and about yourself, and she invalidated it?”

Remus thought for a moment. “Yeah. But also, it made me feel like she didn’t trust me. Which, I mean, I get that. I don’t really trust me all the time. At least not when I’m actively suicidal, or manic. I know that the part of me that says it would be better for me and everyone else if I just died isn’t the biggest part of me. I just. I wish someone felt like I was trustworthy.” Remus mumbled under his breath, “Or worthy.”

Sirius pulled him into the living room and down onto the sofa. “When I first started living with James things were really bad. I mean, my PTSD wasn’t managed at all. I had seen a therapist, but it was decided to wait a bit until any kind of diagnosis was made because of all the… well.” Sirius cocked their head to the side. “I wasn’t just a mess mentally, but also physically. So, no one wanted any real mental diagnosis made until I’d had a chance to readjust and deal with the physical trauma.” Sirius waved their hands around as if to brush off that conversation for later. “Regardless, I wasn’t in a healthy head-space. I scared James. But more than that, James didn’t know how to deal with me like that. He gets it now. He’s sat in on some therapy sessions. We’ve talked about boundaries and needs and all that. He knows that I’ll always use my safe words if I need to. He knows I’ll tell him if I’m having a bad day. He knows I’ll tell him if he’s using the wrong pronouns, or making me feel uncomfortable. But he didn’t always. It took time. I’ve lost it on him more than once because he was being too overwhelming, especially early on.”

The entire time Sirius was talking Remus was gradually coming to the realization that he had gone through something similar with Lily. She trusted him to come to her if he was actively suicidal. She knew the warning signs for a depressive episode, and his more obvious tendencies when he was self harming. She didn’t always though. There was a learning curve. This was something completely new. Lily knew little to nothing about noticing and helping during a manic episode.

“Fuck.”

Sirius’ head snapped up. “What?”

“I’m an idiot. She just didn’t know. I’ve been expecting her to be the same amazing, and thoughtful Lily, but she doesn’t know how to be that for this. Not yet at least.”

Sirius blinked. “Yeah. Exactly.” Sirius looked away, thankful that their blabbering helped. “Gonna go talk to her now?”

Remus folded in on himself.

“You don’t have to leave.” Sirius touched Remus’ arm. “Or you can go talk to her, or call her, and come back. It’s up to you, Rem.”

“I feel bad about snapping at her.”

Sirius nodded. “You should at least call her. This’ll eat you up otherwise.”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, yeah you’re right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. What I realized that I needed to address was that James and Lily both had to learn how to be supportive of Sirius and Remus, respectively. Learning the needs of your friends/family/significant others isn't automatic. Not everyone has the same needs. This fact has a few implications: We all need to be willing to adapt and adjust, those with physical/mental illnesses/diseases/disabilities need to be patient with those who are trying to help and be better, and those trying to support someone need to be willing to ask questions, listen, and learn (as well as do some research on their own time). To boil it down, no one expects a preschooler to be able to read the first day of class. If they can, that's so awesome. But, more likely they can't. Now it's time for them to learn, and every preschooler learns at their own pace. (PS I used to teach preschoolers.)
> 
> I'd also like to thank everyone who has left comments/kudos. It's meant a lot. The comments from last chapter are a big part of the reason I realized that I needed to address this issue. Thanks again. Xx


	11. Sweet Like Honey

Remus and Lily talked everything out that night. Lily explained how she had been carrying around a lot of guilt for not getting Remus help sooner. She explained that she had done some research about Bipolar 1 and ended up getting really freaked out about some of the stories she had read. Remus told her that he understood that he had really worried her. He told her that she had absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, because something like a manic episode wasn’t anywhere on their radar. He explained that he had been carrying around a lot of guilt as well, for the things he had done while manic, but Mich and he were working to find a healthy balance of accepting responsibility, but also accepting that there were things working against his rational mind. He told her how he was feeling good about himself, being happy and doing well, but her questioning made him feel a bit shit. They both apologized.

In the end, they decided to sit down and lay out some new boundaries and times to contact Mich or question Remus’ behavior.

Life went on from there. Lily was still hypervigilant, but Remus understood that. He was actually a little thankful for it, even though it was annoying sometimes. He had to admit that though he had experienced the mania, he wasn’t 100% certain that he would be able to identify it’s onset when it inevitably happened again.

Mich wrote a letter to Remus’ professors, explaining that his absence from classes was due to a medical emergency, as well as one for disability services so Remus’ file could be updated.

Sirius and James remained an unwavering support.

Sirius and Remus started texting more and more frequently. Once they got comfortable texting almost constantly, it became apparent that they were both left to their own devices at similar times, since when James and Lily weren’t with their roommates, they were often together. This lead to them finding themselves eating dinner and watching Netflix together multiple times a week.

It was one such evening when Sirius pulled his legs onto the couch and turned to face Remus. Remus stopped setting up Netflix on the TV and set the remote down. “Yes?”

Sirius took a deep breath. “I’d like to have a potentially awkward conversation.”

Remus pulled at his sleeves. “Alright.” He had heard starting lines like this before. People had asked him about his sexuality, claiming that he was being greedy or accusing him of being promiscuous. They had asked what he was hiding under his long sleeves, or why he self-harmed. People accused him of not trying hard enough to get better. Remus didn’t think Sirius was like that. He had gotten to know the kind and compassionate, if a bit dramatic person that Sirius was, but it’s hard to convince the brain with logic like that when years of experience tell a different story.

“My therapist has been encouraging me to actively seek out things that make me happy. In the past I haven’t been the great at doing that because seeking out and initiating things that make me happy have lead to some pretty traumatizing events. But I’m not there anymore. I’ve surrounded myself with people who care about me, and who wouldn’t intentionally hurt me.” Sirius looked down at his lap.

“Oh.” Remus paused, looking at Sirius. “That sounds like sound advice considering your current situation.”

“Right. Well, the thing is-” Sirius shifted, “-you make me happy. Really happy, but-” And that was it. Remus understood intuitively what Sirius was saying. He wasn’t certain of the particulars, of course, but he knew enough. Either he was triggering Sirius, or he was too much. Too selfish, too nervous, too needy. Not many people had told him point blank, but he had lost enough people because of his mental illness, his inability to be ‘normal’.

Remus covered his face with his hands. “I’m sorry.” He gasped. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. I’ll be better. I’ll, I don’t know what I’ll do. But I’ll do it. Just tell me what you need. Anything, Sirius.” Remus startled when he felt Sirius’ hands on his shoulders.

“Rem, love, were you listening to me, or did you go into your head?”

Remus stared into Sirius’ calm, grey eyes. “I… you said ‘but’. You were telling me about how I’m not good enough or some equivalent. I’ve heard it all before, and I know. I’m sorry.” Tears pooled in his eyes.

Sirius responded by pulling Remus closer to him. “Not at all. Let’s just breathe for a minute, yeah? Then we’ll go back and I’ll start again. It’s nothing like that though, promise.” Sirius rubbed circles into Remus’ back, and Remus let his muscles untense. That was one of his least favorite parts of the panic. Sure, the labored breathing was a pain, the spiraling thoughts were overwhelming, but the tensed muscles were exhausting and difficult to get past. It was strangely simple with a warm and reassuring Sirius stroking his back though.

Once Remus had all but melted into Sirius’ chest, Sirius spoke again. “Alright, I’d like to try to say that again, but I need you to listen to me, not the voices in your head.”

Remus nodded, but made no attempt at extricating himself from Sirius’ calming embrace.

“Remus, you make me incredibly happy. I love spending time with you. I’m sometimes overwhelmed with how much you understand the parts of me I never thought anyone would truly understand. I honestly wish you didn’t understand me like that, because it’s because of your own mental illness’ that you do, but I will be thankful that you can understand those parts of me and I the same for you. I’d like more though.”

Remus had been smiling, listening to Sirius say such nice things about him. At the last sentence though, his eyes opened. “More?”

Sirius, feeling uncomfortable with allowing Remus so close to him while he admitted this, pushed Remus up from his chest, but kept an arm on his shoulder. “I find you incredibly attractive, both physically and romantically.” Sirius swallowed, staring into Remus’ hazel eyes. “I’d like our relationship to be more than platonic, if you’re interested.”

“I’m interested.” Remus’ teeth clacked in his rush to get the words out, eyes wide.

“Really?” Sirius let his hand travel from Remus’ shoulder to his cheek.

Remus nodded, leaning in to press his nose into Sirius’ collar bone. “I was ashamed of wanting something more from you.”

Sirius’ entire body stiffened. “Because I’m gender-fluid?”

Remus pulled back to stare at Sirius, face pinched in equal parts disbelief and disgust. “Fuck no. I’m past the shame forced on me by the oppression of heteronormative society. I meant… well, I’m a bit of a mess right now. And not too long ago I dove head first into a lifestyle I’m by no means proud of. You deserve someone better than me.” Remus’ lips were drawn into a sad smile.

“I understand what you’re saying. I also disagree. What I hear you saying - god, I’ve been internalizing so much of what my therapist says. I’m using fucking ‘I statements’-” Sirius laughed. “What I hear you saying is that I deserve someone who doesn’t have a mental illness.”

“Well yeah-”

Sirius continued, “But, I don’t think I could have a healthy and productive relationship with someone who doesn’t know this.” Sirius gestured to himself. “We’ve had this conversation before. James and Lily are great, but they don’t get it. I constantly feel like James is taking care of me. I don’t want that from a lover. I want an equal partnership.”

“You really feel like we could have that?”

Sirius scoffed. “Yes.”

Remus bit his lip and nodded. “Okay. I… I’d like that. Very much. I think… I think we may need to actually talk about our mental health issues though. Really unpack the baggage. I know we’ve glossed over some stuff, but I think we need to lay it all out there.”

Sirius pushed his fingers through Remus’ curls. “You’re probably right. But, is this you saying yes? To being exclusive? To trying?”

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and held him close. “Yeah, it is.” He closed his eyes and inhaled. Sirius smelled like honey and Neroli and Remus couldn’t help but think that this moment was one of the sweetest.


	12. Laid Bare

The next day Remus and Sirius did exactly what they said they would: they sat down and had an in depth conversation.

They were sitting across from each other at Remus and Lily’s kitchen table, hands clutching cups of tea.

Sirius spoke first. “So where do you want to start?”

Remus twisted his hands. “Well, you know about all the recent shit with me. It’s really the old, er, it’s not really old and I don’t want to mislead you. Sorry, I’m not sure how to explain this concisely. I’m not currently  _ really _ struggling with it now, but I have in the past and I will inevitably in the future. It’s always there. Always will be.” Remus paused to take a breath and gather his thoughts. “It’s kind of like how an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, even if they’ve been sober for a decade. At least, that’s how I view it.

Sirius nodded, silently waiting for Remus to explain what ‘it’ actually was.

Remus forced himself to relax. He knew logically that Sirius understood this kind of thing and would care for him regardless, but it was still difficult to have this kind of conversation without being in auto-mode. “So, during tenth year I started self harming. It was pretty tame at first, barely drawing blood. I stopped for a while, but just because the symptoms aren’t showing doesn’t mean the disease isn’t there. I started going to therapy. I was pretty well managed during the rest of highschool out of necessity. My parents were always on me and my therapist was insistent. I still managed to leave some scars though. My first year of college is when it got really bad. That’s when I started cutting with intent to leave scars. Completely miserable. Afraid of everything and myself. Both passively and actively suicidal. It was just hard to go from having a rigid structure, to having none. I kind of imploded. I’m pretty sure now that I had a major manic episode during my first year too.”

Remus looked down at his fingers which were twisting in his sleeves. “So I have a lot of scars. It’s why I always wear long sleeves. Lily knows, of course. James too, because of the night I came home manic and an absolute disaster.”

Sirius slowly slid his hand across the table towards Remus’ own. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah. I’m aware of it now, so I’ll be aware of it. It doesn’t change anything about you, though. Not really.” Sirius’ lips were pulled into a slight smile and his eyes were bright and truthful.

“I mean, yeah - of course - but, I… Sirius, you haven’t actually  _ seen _ my arms.”

“No, I haven’t. I’m assuming you either understated it in hopes I wouldn’t freak out now, or overstated it so that when I do see it I will be ‘relieved’ or whatever. The thing is, I’ve learned that what you can see, what’s left over isn’t the problem. It’s just what’s left over. My old therapist put it something like... “ Sirius’ eyes rolled up as he tried to remember the session so long ago. “When a house has burnt down, you don’t try to put out the ashes, you try to put out the flames. Once the flames are gone, there isn’t any danger left. The ashes are what’s left over, what’s there to remind you of what you had and what happened. But they were never dangerous. It’s a bit different because you kind of have the possibility of rekindling the ashes, but it’s still the same. The scars aren’t dangerous. They show what you survived.” Sirius paused for a moment, shrugged, broke eye contact. “I’ll probably always have panic attacks because of what I went through as a kid. My parents, they weren’t accepting or kind or anything like the kind of people who should have children. But, my panic attacks aren’t the threat. They are the product of a threat I lived with for most of my formative years.”

“That… that makes a lot of sense.” Remus bit at his thumb nail. “But, I’m sure you wish you didn’t have to deal with the panic attacks, or the possibility of having a panic attack. I know my scars aren’t a threat or a problem, per say. They do make me insecure though. They’re bad. They’re always there. The first time Lily saw them she broke down. She said that it was difficult seeing what I was capable of doing to myself. That it was hard because she cares about me.”

They were both silent for a moment. “What about this are you most worried about?” Sirius asked.

Remus’ cheeks heated and a steady blush traveled down his neck and chest. “That-” his throat cracked, “-you’ll find it off putting during sex.” Remus took a deep breath. “Or I’ll be uncomfortable. Or once you see how bad it is you won’t want to be with me.” 

Sirius nodded. “This is just an idea, but would showing me now help? Like, if I see it now and tell you how I feel about it all, there won’t be any anxiety about my future reactions, right?”

“Well, yeah, I guess.”

“You don’t have to if you feel uncomfortable. Obviously. It’s your choice. I just thought it might help,” Sirius rushed out.

Remus shook his head. “No, you’re right. It probably would help. You have to promise to be honest though.” Sirius nodded. Remus took a deep breath and pulled off his cardigan. He settled his arms, wrists up, on the table. He resolutely didn’t look at Sirius.

Sirius took Remus’ hands in his own. “Rem, love, I’m really sorry that you hurt so much that this is what you have to do to yourself.”

Remus’ head jerked up, making eye contact with Sirius.

“I don’t know much about self harm, but I do know that it’s oftentimes about making internal pain visible.”

Remus nodded. “It also works like a drug. Releases endorphins and all that.”

Sirius paused to think about that. “So, when you’re having a depressive episode it’s more likely?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the scars don’t change my feelings for you. Yeah, they’re worse than I thought at first, and I wish you didn’t want to do that to yourself, but I still find you very attractive. I don’t know a lot about it though, so after I do a bit of research can I ask you questions or talk to you some more about it?”

“Oh! Absolutely. Sorry if I made it seem like I wanted this to be the end of any discussion. The opposite is what I was going for, really. I thought starting out open and honest would help to keep us there.”

“Good. Yeah. I like that.”

Remus smiled. “So, uhm, is there anything you want to tell me?”

Sirius shifted. “Well, I’ve told you most of it. And what I haven’t told you I’m sure you’ve figured out. I have a few scars on my back from when my father beat me with the buckle end of a belt after some friend of his told him he’d seen me in a skirt.” Sirius ran their fingers through their hair. “You know the safe word system. You know about the panic attacks, the PTSD and anxiety. There’s nothing bigger than that.”

“I do have a question sort of on the lines of the safe words,” Remus said hesitantly.

“Go ahead.”

“Well, you’re gender fluid. And I know this is really early to even mention this but I’m really worried about it and I just don’t want to mess anything up and-”

Sirius cut in, “Remus, just ask. I’m sure you’re working this up into something that it doesn’t need to be.”

Remus nodded. “Right. Sorry. So, during sex, you’ll use the safe words if you need to, yeah?”

Sirius’ face wrinkled as they tried to work out what Remus was asking. “Of course. I always use my safe words if I need them. Wait. Are you asking if I’ll tell you if you’re misgendering me or making me dysphoric?”

Remus nodded.

“I actually have a few articles that may make you feel more confident about that. But, yes, Remus, I’ll definitely communicate with you about all of those things.” They smiled.

Remus smiled back.

“Now I have a question.”

“Alright?” Remus said.

“Can we cuddle?”

Remus’ smile grew. “Absolutely.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it may seem weird for Sirius and Remus to be having a discussion that on more than one occasion relates to sex this early in their relationship. However, what these two lovelies have going on in their lives sort of demand that kind of attention. I always feel like discussing boundaries and desires before hand is healthy, but in this circumstance it's absolutely necessary.
> 
> Those who have self harmed are often incredibly ashamed of their scars. While self harm has been construed as an attention seeking behavior, it often isn't at all. More often those who self harm do so in complete secret and hide it from everyone. That being said, the evidence left behind can absolutely wreck confidence and self-worth. So, it's crazy important for someone with self harm scars to feel okay in their own skin. Like Sirius mentioned in the fic, it is often about making the internal physical. Think about the intimacy of allowing someone to see your internal struggle, whatever it may be. Now imagine that any time you push up your sleeves or get undressed you're doing that. Horrifying, yeah? And not just in sexual encounters.
> 
> I found this awesome article about sex with someone who is non-binary and think it explains this way better than I could in this note. Just know that everyone needs to be comfortable and that means being informed. https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/sex-with-the-non-binary-person-even-when-that-person-is-you-maya/


	13. Need I Say it Again, Use Protection Kids

Remus was sitting in his ‘English Literature: 1800s and after’ class. They were analyzing Dylan Thomas’ poetry, and Remus was really enjoying the discussion on Thomas’ use, or lack thereof, of punctuation. He felt his phone vibrate multiple times, signalling that someone was either trying to call him or had sent multiple texts. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, attempting to not move too much and distract anyone or draw attention towards himself. Lily had texted, which was odd considering she knew his class schedule. He tapped on the messaging app, then Lily’s name.

**I know you’re in class so I’m sorry but I need a favor.**

**Text or call when you can.**

**Oh, but don’t leave class.**

**It isn’t that important.**

**Well, it is important. But it isn’t that time sensitive. Just text or call after class. <3**

Remus’ heart rate increased as he read through the messages. Lily was normally so put together and calm. He had no idea what could have happened to warrant such a chaotic mess of messages from her. Had the burst of messages come even two days ago his mind would have immediately gone to his STD/STI test results, but his second screening had come back negative and he was able to fully relax about that mess of a night.

So, if it wasn’t about that what could it be. Lily and James had been getting along well, better than well if he was honest. Sirius had been doing alright, only having a handful of panic attacks a month and getting more and more comfortable with their therapist. Remus himself was, while still adjusting, managing decently. Remus knew he would only work himself into more of a panic if he allowed himself to dwell. Lily had said so herself, it wasn’t that time sensitive.

So he forced himself to focus on the discussion. His classmates were talking about how the Hunchback was more like an animal than a human. Someone made a comment about him being in a zoo.

Remus couldn’t help but feel like he was in a zoo sometimes, not able to fully engage with his world because of some immovable barrier.

But that wasn’t what this class was about. Remus took a sip from his bottle of water and started taking notes, glancing back at the anthology open on his desk.

***

Once class ended Remus rushed out, immediately calling Lily.

“Rem, I’m sorry I sent all those messages while you were in class. I just got so freaked out and sent the first message then realized how it would look and-”

“Lily, breathe. It’s fine. Just tell me what the fuck is going on.”

“I’m late.”

Remus blinked. “Late for what?”

Lily mumbled, unintelligibly.

“I didn’t catch that. What the everloving fuck are you late for? Do you need me to drive you somewhere? Good lord, Lily, just tell me.”

“What I  _ need  _ is for you to buy a pregnancy test on the way home.”

Remus stood, silent and unbreathing, in the hallway of the Humanities Building. A sob from the other end of the line jerked him back into reality. “Lil, I’m so sorry. I just didn’t understand. Yes. Absolutely. I’ll be there in minutes. I’ll sprint if I have to.” Remus started speed walking. “It’ll be fine no matter what. No need to worry. I love you. I love you so, so much. No matter what happens, I love you. And you have options. I’ll support those options. No need to panic about something so unknown. It’ll be absolutely okay. It’ll be okay, Lils.”

“Uh huh.” The sniffling didn’t stop completely but it did diminish.

“Have you told James?” Remus cringed.

“No.”

“Do you already know if you want to or not or do you want my opinion?”

“I feel like I should tell him… but I don’t know when or how or if I should if I don’t tell him before I take the test and it’s negative and I just don’t know.” There was a pause in which Lily breathed deeply. “What do you think?”

Remus bit at his lip, hesitant, then spoke. “I think you should call him and ask him to come over. I think you should explain the situation and then take the test. I’m your best friend and always will be. I’ll forever be there for you. But, Lily, James is a great guy. I didn’t tell you all that happened  _ that  _ morning, and I don’t know what all James told you. But, he was incredibly kind and understanding. He was both logical and caring. He is everything you need in this kind of situation.” Remus paused for a moment to let the emotions settle. “Especially because he’s half the reason for it,” he laughed.

Lily laughed, though it was tight with emotion and tears. “Thanks. Can I let you go so I can call him?”

“Of course. Call me back if you need to, but I should be there in ten minutes.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you soon.”

Remus hit the end call button and took a deep breath. Life definitely wasn’t going easy on them.

***

When Remus got home Lily was scrubbing the kitchen counters. Remus walked behind her a wrapped his arms around her, squeezing firmly. “You probably shouldn’t be using chemicals. In case, I mean.”

“Honestly, do you even know what we clean with? It’s all natural based. You could drink this stuff-” Lily shook the spray bottle, “-and you’d be fine. Potentially better off since it’s vinegar and essential oils.”

“I have a lot of things I want to ask about that, but it’s not important right now.” Remus pulled away. “I got two different kinds.” Remus held up a plastic bag from a local pharmacy. “Is James coming?”

Lily nodded, glancing at her phone. “Thanks. He should be here in five.”

“Okay. Do you want me here, or do you want me to leave? I don’t mind either way.”

“I…” Lily bit at her lip. “Can I tell James why he’s rushing over here first, then decide?”

“Of course. And I’ll just go to the coffee shop down the street so if you need or want me just send a text and I’ll be here.”

“Thanks.”

Remus felt the need to further comfort his friend, his life-line, his platonic soulmate, so he pulled her into a proper hug. “Like I said, no matter what, we’ll sort it.”

“I know. It’s just a lot.”

“I know it is, love.” He kissed her temple. 

They stayed like that for a bit, only untangling themselves when James knocked on the door. Lily went to let him in while Remus made tea for the three of them.

As soon as the door was open James was asking questions. “Please tell me what’s wrong now?”

Lily covered her face with her hands.

“Lily.” James pulled her to his chest. “Lily, please talk to me. If I messed up, I’m sorry. For whatever this is I’m sorry.” James stopped talking once he realized that Lily was shaking her head back and forth.

Remus stepped up and pushed cups of tea into first James’ then Lily’s hands.

“Please, tell me what’s going on?”

Lily pulled herself together, took a sip of tea, and looked directly at James. “I felt like you should be here. My period is almost a week late. I realized earlier today. I’m about to take a pregnancy test.”

James was silent for a moment, only blinking, before his lips curved into a small smile, then he straightened his face back out. “Oh. Okay.”

Lily stared at him in shock. “Okay?”

“Well, yeah.” James shrugged, then tilted his head to look at Lily fondly. “You know I love you.”

Remus eyes widened, then widened even more as he witnessed Lily nod then return the sentiment.

“And I don’t mean that lightly. So, no matter what, we’ll figure it out.”

Lily’s body visibly relaxed. She set her cup down and moved closer to James, pressing against him. “We’ll figure it out.”

After a few moments Lily stood up straight and moved towards the bag that had been abandoned in the kitchen.

“Lily, would you like me to stay or go? I promise, I won’t be offended either way.”

Lily bit her lip and glanced at James, then looked back to Remus. “I’d like you to stay. You’re family.” 

Remus nodded, then took a sip of his own tea. He and James settled on the couch while Lily took the bag to the bathroom. Once the bathroom door clicked Remus looked at James’ gradually tensing body. “James.”

James met eyes with Remus.

“Whatever the result is, we’ll sort it. You and Lily aren’t alone in this. This doesn’t have to derail your education. With at least three people willing to work and watch and support, it’ll be fine. That is, if she’s pregnant, and if she decides to keep them.”

James ran his fingers through his hair, releasing a breath and forcing his shoulders to relax. “I’m not worried about any of that.”

Remus looked at him quizzically. “Okay. Well, that’s good.” He trailed off, hoping James would tell him what he was worried about.

It was silent for a moment, then James opened his mouth to speak. Just then, however, the bathroom door opened and Lily walked, cradling a pregnancy test in her hands.

“Lils?” Remus questioned, unable to read his friend’s face.

Her eyes snapped up. “We have to wait five minutes. I set a timer on my phone.” She sat down in between James and Remus, setting the pregnancy test as well as her phone on the coffee table.

“Hey, uhm, Lily?”

“Yes, James?” She turned to face him.

“Uhm.” James ran his fingers through his hair, then rubbed the back of his neck roughly. “Whatever it says. Whatever happens. We aren’t going to break up because of this right?”

At that Remus understood what had James so worried earlier. It wasn’t that he was worried about having a baby, or their education, or Lily being pregnant and making a decision he wasn’t completely on board with, or any of the usual worries of potential-expecting fathers. He was worried that somehow, this scare would derail their relationship. Remus could understand why. Stressful situations often made people step back and evaluate the decisions they were making. Stressful situations often made imperfect situations unmanageable.

Lily in all of her wisdom took a moment to think, but laid a hand on James’ knee. “I can’t promise anything. I can’t promise that we’ll be in 100% agreement about everything and we won’t end up in a row that makes everything crumble. I can’t promise what decisions I’m going to want to make in the future. I do know that right now I love you. I love spending time with you. I love how you treat me and show your support and love to Sirius. I know you’re a good man. But even knowing those things, I can’t predict the future. I can say, that tonight, as long as you don’t turn into an ass, no matter what that test says, I’m not breaking up with you.”

James pulled her tightly against his chest. “That was very diplomatic.” He smirked. He buried his face in her hair, mumbling, “Thank you for reassuring me.”

When the timer on Lily’s phone went off the three looked at one another in turn. Lily swiped at her phone, turning off the alarm, then picked up the test. Her face contorted in a mix of emotions. “Negative,” She said, smiling.

James nodded as Remus watched the pair. He was baffled at the contradicting expressions and words. “What am I missing?”

“What do you mean?” Lily said as she turned to look at him.

“You both look a bit disappointed.”

“I…” Lily stared at him.

“Well,” James spoke up, “it wouldn’t have really been a bad thing, would it have?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you remember at the beginning of the chapter Remus was in class. Specifically an English Lit. course focusing on the time period 1800-after. Fun fact about myself: I was an english major in undergrad and this is how my classes were organized. I even broke out an anthology, turned to a random page and picked an annotation. So, circa 2013 me really thought Dylan Thomas' lack of punctuation in 'The Hunchback in the Park' was fascinating. (Current me finds all things punctuation in poetry really interesting).
> 
>  
> 
> ANDDD for the chapter as a whole, I don't think I could have planned this update any better if I tried, since it's Mother's Day (right now, right here). I feel this is a great way to celebrate a day that for some is full of joy, but for some is full of sadness, confusion, and regret. I make it a point to believe that days like today aren't just for those who are perceived by other's as something (a mother), but could have, should have, would have, or are in a non-traditional sense. Just remember, holidays like Mother's Day aren't happy for all. Some people (kids/moms) are estranged or disinherited. Some relationships have a lot of pain in them. Some people can't have children of their own, or lost their babies. Some tried to adopt and faced loss in other ways. Sending love to all the everyones. Because everyone deserves love.


	14. Dinner and... Not a Movie

Sirius woke feeling like he was being watched. He had long ago grown accustomed to waking to James watching him, whether they had slept in the same bed or James had been nervous and could only calm himself by seeing with his own eyes that Sirius was safe and in bed. This felt different though. Sirius hadn’t had a major depressive episode in a while, and the more recent panic attacks had all been minor.

“Prongs?” Sirius groaned.

“Yeah, Pads. It’s me.”

“Bloody better be you. I’m not cool with randos watching me sleep.”

“Not so much watching you sleep as it is watching you beat up your pillow. How is anything with all that movement restful?”

“Fuck off.”

“Nah. I’d rather cuddle.” James flopped onto the bed and rested his head on Sirius’ chest.

Sirius’ hands immediately went to James’ unruly hair. “What’s this about?”

James took a deep breath. “I need you to… well, either tell me that I’m being ridiculous and snap me out of it or tell me that it’s completely alright to feel like this.”

Sirius looked down at James, trying to will more information out of him, but his eyes were closed. “James. What is it?”

“I think I love her.”

Sirius shoved James away. “Bloody fuck. Do not scare me like that. Of course you do. She’s kind and accepting and lovely, while also somehow being a bit of a badass. The next time you crawl into bed with me like that someone better be dead or dying.” Sirius scowled, but it quickly melted into a smile. “Where’d this come from? I mean, I knew you loved her ages ago. But what brought it to your attention?”

James rubbed at his temples. “There was a pregnancy scare.”

Sirius took in a shocked breath. “James. Oh my-”

“No, she’s not. But,” James locked eyes with Sirius, “I would be okay if she was.”

***

Sirius tapped their phone to read the text that had just come in. It was from Remus.

_ I’d love to see you tonight. Care to join me for dinner? _

Sirius smiled.

**Yes.**

**That sounds lovely.**

***

Sirius and Remus met outside of the restaurant they had decided on. They walked in together and settled into the booth that the server lead them to. This wasn’t their first solo outing, nor was it their first official date. There was never a big show of them dating one another. They slid into their romantic relationship with grace and ease. If they were honest, their friendship always bordered on a romantic relationship anyway.

Remus slid his hand across the table to settle on one of Sirius’ own. “Thank you for coming out with me tonight.”

“Of course, love. I always enjoy my time with you.”

“Good evening sirs,” their server greeted, smiling. Sirius stiffened, uncomfortable with the gendered address, but forced the icky feelings away. She handed them their menus. “Tonight our Chef’s Special is roasted chicken with fingerling potatoes. It pairs wonderfully with the St. Francis Merlot. Would you like to see a wine list?”

“No thank you,” said Sirius. “I’d like a mineral water with lime, please.”

Remus looked up from his menu at Sirius. “You can get wine if you like. Doesn’t bother me.”

Sirius shook their head. “I actually don’t really like wine. If I was going to drink it would be spirits. But I’m not in the mood.”

Remus nodded and looked up at the server. “I’ll have water with lemon.”

She nodded. “I’ll be right back with those, and I can get your order if you guys are ready.” She turned and walked toward their kitchen.

Sirius ran their fingers through their hair. It was loose tonight, barely brushing their shoulders, James having trimmed it earlier that day.

“Something wrong?” Remus’ eyes narrowed.

Sirius sighed. “Our server uses a lot of gendered speech.”

“Ohh…” Remus bit at his lip. “Does that happen often?”

Sirius shrugged. “Depends.” They flipped through the menu. “Some people hardly ever use gendered speech, some people seem to always use it. A couple people in some of my classes are really bad about it. My professors always use they/them pronouns for me because I emailed them in advance. A lot of people use gendered speech out of habit or because they were taught that it’s polite. I get it. But the whole sir and ma’am thing is really unnecessary. It doesn’t add any context to the sentence, and it is entirely binary.”

Remus nodded, lips pursed. “Do I ever do it?”

Sirius looked up from their menu, locking eyes with Remus. “I think you may have done it once or twice. You’ve used the wrong pronouns a few times, early on at least. But I’d tell you if you were doing anything that really bothered me, Rem. And I know you’d never do it intentionally.”

“I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to keep it straight in my head.”

Sirius snickered at the word ‘straight’. “I know. It’s really alright.” Sirius gestured to Remus’ menu. “Do you know what you’re ordering?”

Remus nodded. “I thought I’d do the Chef Special. I love fingerling potatoes.”

Sirius nodded. “I was thinking a salad. They have one with roasted beets that looks good.”

“Alright gentlemen, here are your drinks. Do you know what you’d like to order?” The server waited.

Remus glanced at Sirius, trying to decide if he should say something or not. Noting the stiffness to Sirius’ shoulders, and closed eyes, he decided informing their server was better than Sirius being uncomfortable for the rest of their dinner. “I think we’re ready, but can I ask you to refrain from gendering Sirius as male with your speech?”

Her eyebrows knit together and Remus watched as she tried to make sense of what he was asking of her. “Like, don’t think of him as a man?”

“Well, yes. But anytime you’re here you say something like ‘sirs’ or ‘gentlemen’ and Sirius isn’t comfortable with that. It would mean a great deal if you would just not use gendered words.”

She scratched at her head. “Uhm. Yeah, sure. Sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it to be honest.”

Sirius cleared their throat, “It’s fine. It’s natural for a lot of people.”

They proceeded to tell her their orders. When she walked away Sirius sighed. “I know why you did that, and it worked out alright this time, but can you ask me in the future?”

Remus pulled at his sleeves. “I, well, of course. But, why? You were clearly uncomfortable.”

Sirius nodded. “I was, yeah, but what if she had been transphobic? Then I would have been way more uncomfortable and she would have been rude and it would have just been a mess. Plus, you kind of outed me without my permission. Which is fine, because I am out, but I don’t need everyone I come in contact with to know that I’m fluid. You know that genderfluid can fall under the trans identity, yeah?”

Remus nodded.

“Well, a lot of trans folk are stealth. A lot aren’t, but a lot are. People they interact with daily don’t know that they’re trans. So being ‘out’ as a trans person is a bit different than being ‘out’ as gay or queer or whatever. I guess, I just don’t tell people who are only going to be in my life for a short period of time. It’s not worth it to me. The likelihood that they’d say something bigoted and trigger me is too high.”

Remus nodded. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about it like that. I, please forgive me.” Remus cheeks were red and his eyes were closed.

“Sirius reached across the table. “It’s fine. I know you were trying to help, and I appreciate the sentiment. It will just help me a lot more if you know how I feel about it.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

Sirius smiled. “Trust and communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship.”

Remus nodded his agreement. “So, I know you’re fluid, but do you identify as trans?”

“That’s complicated. I view trans as an umbrella term to a certain extent. I don’t have any desire to medically transition, I’ve never claimed the trans identity as my own, but I don’t have any real reason why I haven’t.” Their face scrunched up. “Does that make sense?”

“Sure. It’s like the term ‘queer’. Technically I could be classified as queer, but I don’t identify with it. I’m pan. And I get to choose what words I use, because it’s my identity.”

“Exactly.”

***

After dinner the pair walked hand-in-hand to Sirius’ flat. They shared kisses at each crosswalk, progressively getting handsier. While Sirius worked to unlock the door, Remus was pressed up against the back of Sirius, kissing and sucking at his neck. As soon as the door was open, Sirius pulled Remus inside and toward their bedroom.

They pushed Remus onto their bed and positioned themselves over him, kissing him hard. Remus moaned as his hips jerked up, pressing his erection against Sirius’. Remus opened his eyes, realizing abruptly that he and Sirius had never actually discussed sex. Sirius broke the kiss and nuzzled at Remus’ jaw.

“Sirius.”

Sirius moaned, rolling his hips and reaching for Remus’ cardigan.

“Sirius.” Remus grabbed Sirius’ shoulder. “Hold on a minute.”

Sirius froze, pushing up to look at Remus. “What’s wrong, what did I do?”

“Nothing, I just feel like we maybe need to have a conversation before we go any further.” Remus bit at his lip.

Sirius rolled to the side and off of Remus, pulling their legs into a criss-cross. “Okay…go on.”

“Well, I don’t want to trigger you or anything. And we need to discuss what we’re into and stuff like that.”

“Oh. Well, I like bottoming and topping. Depends on my mood and my partner, really. I like performing oral, but I’m not big on receiving it, until I know a person well in bed. Same for rimming.”

“Okay. I like topping and bottoming pretty equally too. I’m down to give or receive oral, and rim jobs. I’ve also dabbled a bit in bondage, and I enjoyed it. I guess what I’m most worried about it that I can get pretty vocal. I… what words do you use?”

Sirius’ brows knitted together. “What words do I use?”

“Like-” Remus gestured to Sirius’ crotch, face heating up, “-for your parts.”

Sirius laughed. “I call it a cock, Remus.”

“Okay. I just wanted to be sure.”

Sirius pulled Remus towards him. “I greatly appreciate that, Rem.” They kissed him, then pulling back just enough to speak said, “Now I’d really like you to fuck me.”

Remus didn’t have to be asked twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important things happened in this chapter!  
> So, gendered speech is sooo common and utterly unnecessary. I try my hardest not to use it, but it's so engrained in our language that it's difficult. For example, while writing this chapter I originally used the word 'waitress' instead of 'server' (ps. the suffix -ess is actually diminutive so it's pretty sexist, just saying.) But a job title doesn't need to be gendered. Here's a cool resource I found if you'd like to learn more about gendered speech and using more gender-inclusive language: https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/gender-inclusive-language/
> 
> I'd like to point you here too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYQqNOebgQo if you want to learn more about non-binary identities (an umbrella term that includes gender-fluid) potentially falling under the trans umbrella. Chase is bomb. Watch his stuff. :D
> 
> Finally, talking about sex is super important. People like and want different things in bed. People need different things from their partners. For trans/non-binary folk sex can be a major cause for dysphoria. For others (like Sirius) it may not. There is some disagreement about whether or not non-binary people have to experience dysphoria. I'm writing Sirius as not experiencing body dysphoria, but experiencing social dysphoria.
> 
> Much love, readers.


End file.
